[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Claim God listens only to them
Jeremiah Wright, Barack Obama’s former pastor, announced today that a “holy dozen” group of pastors, preachers, rabbis and clerics have joined together to form a new political party called MOPP (Mad Old Preachers Party).
“Oh, they like to call us ‘crazy,’ alright – yeah, we all wild and up in the nation’s face today. The people will be thrilled that we’ve come to ‘MOPP’ up the country, cleaning out the unbelievers,” exclaimed an excited Rev. Wright, arms flapping about wildly to accentuate his pronouncements. “Make no mistake, this gang of looney old coots will bring America back from the brink of damnation! They will see I’m not the only mad preacher around,” he added.
Rev. Wright was flanked by some of the very diverse super-star preachers helping to launch the new party: John Hagee, James Dobson, Pat Robertson, Louis Farrakhan, Mike Huckabee, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Kenneth Copeland, Father Michael Swierzy, Reverend Sun Myung Moon, and the “Screaming Preacher,” Jonathan Bell.
John Hagee, a pastor who endorsed John McCain, said, “Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist. Just joking! But seriously, it was that gay parade in New Orleans that brought on Katrina. Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans. And our new party will set the country right with the Lord.”
Rod Parsley, spiritual advisor to John McCain, claims he is just the cure for gayness that is needed to prevent future natural disasters. “I’d say this word one time on television and 100,000 homosexuals and lesbians would be instantly set free,” he explained, adding, “I did this the other day. Two lesbians were having perverted sex, drinking alcohol, and snorting cocaine. But when I shouted, ‘Come out’ their glasses burst in their hands and they slithered out of the bed and got gloriously born again and filled with the Holy Ghost. That’s when I took them both into the back room and personally showed them the glory of God.”
Although some fought his inclusion, Louis Farrakhan said he made a logical addition to the team, since he could deliver a million votes from men and a million more from their obedient wives. He said despite the differences, this group was determined to get a man of God in the White House. “We’ll work out the details later,” adding, “it may come down to whose God is stronger. One thing for sure, in a world temporarily dominated by the blue-eyed Caucasian devils, God wants a black preacher to be president.”
Pat Robertson, head of the Christian Broadcasting Network, former head of the Christian Coalition and former presidential candidate, said, “All this talk of defending America is missing the point. As a candidate, I’d pledge to defend Christians.” Saying Christians are under attack from forces as bad as the Nazis, Mr. Robertson continued, “Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different. It is the same thing … the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Why I tell ya, it’s more terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.”
Mr. Robertson also played down the terrorist threat, pledging instead to work against the “gay threat,” saying that left to work its evil, “gaydom will bring about the destruction of the nation. It’ll bring about terrorist bombs; it’ll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor.”
Jesse Jackson said, “I hear that melting-pot stuff a lot, and all I can say is that we haven’t melted. We are here today to say, it’s up to us preachers to bring the heat.”
Rev. Al Sharpton said, “Having a preacher for president would be like sweet honey on the rock, have mercy!”
Reverend Sun Myung Moon, crowned the “King of Peace” by Republicans in a 2004 Washington ceremony, and who financially and editorially supports Republicans via his Washington Times, denounced the United States as “Satan’s harvest” and likened American women to “prostitutes.” Then, vowing to sweep aside American democracy and individualism as he builds a one-world state, he said, “before my plan to swallow entire America is complete, there will be some individuals who complain inside your stomach. However, they will be digested.”
Moon pooh-poohed his tax evasions and long-standing ties to organized crime and international drug smuggling, including South American cocaine traffickers, saying his former daughter-in-law Nansook Hong was lying when she gave first-hand accounts of his money-laundering. “God sent a second Messiah,” he explained, “who turned out to be me! All governments will be abolished except my one-world theocracy. America is Satanic. America is so Satanic that even hamburgers should be considered evil, because they come from America.”
Father Michael Swierzy, a Catholic priest who recently changed parishes “for no real reason,” said a preacher party could win in November, and that “I will personally work to make sex education a priority, and us priests are just the ones to provide it. Preferably just to little boys.”
Looking over his flock of preachers with pride, and optimistic of their chances in November, Rev. Jeremiah Wright said, “America is ready for more than change, America is ready for the God Party. I hear the doubters. They say this group can’t work together, they say a preacher can’t govern, they ramble on about separation of church and state. But I tell you, we’re the party of God. It is our time… America’s chickens is coming home to roost.”
[Ed. note: Extra Credit! Many of the quotes in this article are real, others use portions of real quotes. Can you guess which ones? Hint: Use Google to test your answers!]
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