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Letter to Republican friends and family

Oct 142008
 By , October 14, 2008

>Don’t worry, the country will not collapse, nor become anti-Christian, nor turn socialist if Barack Obama gets elected.

Really now – take a deep breath. That’s right, still your fears for just a minute. Think. Don’t you see the pattern here? This has been the GOP campaign strategy since Karl Rove took it over. My God, they did it to John McCain himself, in 2000.

Don’t you remember? How, in South Carolina, when it became apparent that McCain’s momentum was growing and that he might take the Republican nomination, they started the whisper and email campaigns about him? They said his adopted Bangladeshi daughter was actually a black “love child” of his and that McCain was both gay and cheated on his wife. No, seriously, it’s true. You don’t remember? They spread lies, vicious rumor after vicious rumor, just like they always do. Bush supporters even circulated church fliers that labeled McCain “the fag candidate.” Look it up. Unlike the emails going around about Obama, these are facts, this really happened.

Now John McCain has allowed those same elements in the party to take over his campaign, eight years later. What kind of character does that show, anyway? To knowingly use scummy tactics, after they were used on you and your family, because you’re so desperate to win office.

Any way, the point is, they do this election after election. They did it to John Kerry, they did it even in congressional races, such as the despicable attacks on the character of Max Cleland, a man who sacrificed three limbs – three limbs! – in service to our country. But that didn’t stop these slime-dwellers from questioning his patriotism in the 2002 race, trying to link him with Saddam Hussein, of all things.

Invariably, once these baseless charges, rumors, lies and deceptions are investigated, they are found to be untrue. Quotes are taken completely out of context, records are distorted by playing numbers games, lies are created to “explain” events and associations, racial tensions are fanned, and the smears are repeated ad nauseam. And it’s all aimed at making you afraid.

Yes, it happens every four years, and yet you keep falling for it. Wake up! See the pattern, don’t let yourself get played so easily! They are trying to scare you, and like third graders at a summer camp, you’re letting the scout master scare the bejeezes out of you by the campfire with his monster stories!

And the farther they fall behind in the polls, the more vicious they get – and the more shrill you sound when you try to explain why you just hate the other candidate. It can’t just be that you disagree with his point of view or his policies or his record, even, no – he’s evil!

Wow. Listen to yourself! Don’t you feel silly? Evil? Come on.

Do you really think he could fool this many people if Obama were as wicked as Ms. Palin seems to be saying he is? Could he really fool all those admirals and generals if he was secretly a terrorist? Ya think? Really?

C’mon, let’s stop the pretense. Yeah, I know it must be hard. You were riding high for years, the Republican banner held proudly aloft, as the stock market soared and we went off to spread democracy and freedom. How deflating it must be to realize how badly you had been fooled. The war was based on lies, and the prosperity turned out to be an illusion. Worse, an illusion that got some greedy people stinking rich, while leaving you with deteriorating portfolios, home values and egos.

Life can be a bitch. You know what? I don’t feel sorry for you. You laughed at us when we tried to show you these people were not acting in your best interests. We tried to get your attention, to warn you the country was being sold a bill of goods, and the bill would come due. And it has. Now we’re left with a stinking rubble pile of an economy, and shriveled net worths.

Somebody made off like bandits, but it wasn’t you. So why do you continue to stick up for these clowns? They’re either clowns, or they’re in with the thieves, you decide. The only people they were working for all this time were the rich slobs who ended up profiting from the war and the economic upheaval. So why continue to listen to them? They did you wrong. They continue to do you wrong. And they are lying to you – again – this time about Barack Obama.

Hey, you bet on the wrong horse. The horse has now gone limp. You’re not going to bet on it again, are you? Whaddaya say we try another team – nobody can possibly screw it up any worse than the last team. Maybe we can try using nimble smarts rather than arrogant brawn, just for a while. Who knows, the new guys might even be able to improve things. For you, and for me – rather than for the fat cats this time. Wouldn’t that be nice, for a change?

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The Humor Times founder/publisher/editor/writer may wear a lot of hats, but he likes it that way. Still, his favorite job is writing fake news articles. He is also a musician and songwriter, who plays guitar, mandolin and harmonica, with several CDs to his credit.

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