Corporate Mission Statements for Our Times

Mission statements are a modern attempt to give meaning and a face to a corporation’s work in its never ending pursuit of profits. They are a statement on a business’s real intents and purposes.

corporate mission statementsSupposedly.

The problem is that the face it makes is lopsided and the meaning is muddled. If corporate mission statements were to state their real intents and interests, they would probably look something like these:

To skin alive as many people as it takes to get our second home in the Bahamas.

To be able to declare bankruptcy in a few months without anyone finding where we have stashed our wad.

To raise enough money with our charity drives that we can live well and still have enough left over to send to the starving children in our posters.

To see how far we can get with this sort of business before it becomes illegal.

To have enough employees that we at the top levels never have to do any real work.

We must work, so we might as well be doing this.

To achieve the level of control and power over people that concentration camps had in as short a period of time as possible.

To get enough dorks to buy our stupid products that we can afford to dress as cool as we know we are.

To get enough good looking broads working here that getting laid is never a problem.

If it weren’t for this business we’d all be out being criminals.

To sell enough junk to the lower classes that we can go out and buy nuevo-rich junk.

If we didn’t work, we’ll start to mold.

To use every dirty trick, every conniving nastity, to follow each dirty impulse possible to be Number 1 so that we can feel that we’re better than everyone else.

To produce a product so revolutionary, so far better than anyone else’s, so new and wonderful that we can totally wipe out the competition and dominate the market.

To work hard enough to create an illusion of respectability so that at night we can make as big of fools as we want to without recrimination.

As Abe Lincoln once said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not all the people all the time.” We are out to prove him wrong.

Roger Freed