Streaming “House of the Dragon” and “The Rings of Power” simultaneously causes confusion for this viewer.
I am streaming “House of the Dragon” and “The Rings of Power” simultaneously, in alternating episodes, which is causing confusion and questions:
Is Galadriel, a striking blond, a closet Targaryen (being just one L’Oréal shade removed)? Is she attracted to bad boy Prince Daemon (as is his niece Rhaenyra)? Would that change if she saw him as an emasculated Prince Philip on The Crown? (What might Queen Elizabeth II think of her handsome Prince riding a dragon, or lopping off the head of Vaemon Targaryen?) (Did they still have dragons when she became queen? Head-lopping?)
Did ailing Kings Palantir and Viserys use the same geriatric practice? Which of them would have a stronger malpractice claim? Might concierge services (free coffee? massage? leeches?) have made a difference? How many Silver Stags would a home visit cost? Is it time for multi-millennial Galadriel to find a gerontologist? Should she ask Gil-galad for a referral (since he looks GOOD)?
When they said of Viserys, “He sat the Iron Throne,” was this just a polite way to say he liked spending time on the toilet? Judging by appearances, who else could use some “Throne time“? (My vote: Durin and Disa – or do dwarves just have a constipated look?) (What did Viserys use for toilet paper? Parchment? Ouch.)
How did Rhys Ifans go from playing Hugh Grant’s ditzy roommate Spike in Notting Hill (and fronting for the band Super Furry Animals) to playing Otto Hightower, the Hand of the King? Why didn’t they call him Otto Highhanded? Did Super Furry Animals cover “The Song of Ice and Fire”? Are Harfoots super furry? Would the Harfoot leader, Sadoc Burrows, make a good Hand of the King? Or would he be a better Foot of the King? What happened to the Eye of the King (did it wind up in Mordor)? Is it the Ass of the King that sits the Iron Throne?
If George R.R. Martin had a sword fight with J.R.R. Tolkien, who would get to keep the “R.R.”? Does it matter that the Lord of the Rings trilogy has 576,459 words, while the five Song of Ice and Fire books contain a whopping 1,770,000 words (so probably 3 times as many R’s)? Could they split the difference and each come away with one “R”?
Suppose two dragons leave their lairs at the same moment: Sunfyre traveling from Kings Landing to Gondor at 150 mph and Smaug traveling from the Lonely Mountain to Westeros at 100 mph. How long does it take for their riders to realize they’ve arrived in an alternate universe? Would alternating alternate universes affect a dragon’s lifespan? Wingspan? BTUs?
If “Dreamfyre” and “Seasmoke” are good names for a dragon, why not “Heatrash” and “Sunstroke”? If Westerosi dragons have dope names like “Vermax” and “Syrax”, can’t Middle Earth do better than “Smaug,” maybe something similar but meaningful, like “Vernix” and “Syntax”? Doesn’t Seasmoke sound like the cigarette brand favored by Iron Islanders?
Why don’t the producers spin-off a sitcom? Imagine “The Harfoots of Harrenhal,” in which the band of hardy proto-Hobbits end their trek at the great castle Harrenhal, where their folksy ways clash with the tradition-bound Strongs (“The Beverly Hillbillies” meets “Downton Abby,” but with dragons!). In one episode, the Harfoots could sneak into the Maester’s pharmacy, thinking it’s a pantry, and humorously ruin the rare herbs and animals kept there (title: “The One About Medicinal Leeches”). In another, the Brandyfoots encounter their first bathtub and, after they fill it and frolic about, your typical HoD hilarity ensues (title: “The One About the Drowned infant”).
If you have long silver hair from an early age, how can you tell when you’re getting old? Is it all about the wrinkles? Is a hole where your eye should be, or huge leprous lesions, also reliable signs? How about drooling whenever someone helps you drink a potion, or needing extra time on the “Iron Throne”?
Do Elves age? How can you tell: Count their Rings (haha)? Count their PPPs (Ponderous Pronouncements and Platitudes)? HoD may be bleaker, but between long-winded dwarves and pontificating elves, RoP seems to have 2-3 times as many PPPs per minute. Sample dialog:
Bronwyn (viewing a destroyed Tirharad): How awful! The orcs destroyed our homes, our heaths, and our cherished chatchkas!
Celebrimbor: Everything breaks. [Speaking canorously:] Everything.
Bronwyn: How bleak, Celeryboy.
Celebrimbor: That’s CeleBRIMBOR. And this is not bleak, Brownrice. [Speaking grandiloquently:] For from breakage comes repair… And from repair, healing… And from healing … STRENGTH!!
Bronwyn: But at what cost, Celebumbledor, what cost?
Celebrimbor: That’s CeleBRIMBOR. And my standard charge is time and materials, $120 Castars per hour, plus a 10% markup.
Bronwyn: Arrgggh!
In one scene Arondir remarks, “The past is with us all, whether we like it or not.” Does he think he’s saying something original? Really? Should someone suggest he take a course in public speaking, or Shakespeare? What else is with us, whether we like it or not? (Hint: It could be taxes, family, or prequels – guess which one I’d choose to not be with us, in a dragon’s breath?)
- Excerpts from Santa’s Tell-All Interview - December 26, 2023
- New ‘Reveal Parties’ Herald an Explosion of Revelations - July 11, 2023
- A Powerhouse of Dragon Rings - November 3, 2022
