Ted Nugent, the flaming redneck of rock and gun fame, who was most recently in the news for ‘suggesting’ that Obama and his Cabinet be beheaded, has found himself a new hunting buddy.
“That damn (expletive deleted) Luka Magnotta (the Canadian porn star who tortured and killed his gay Chinese lover on camera, ate part of him, then mailed parts of his body to governmental offices) would make a ‘son-of-a-bitchin’ good field dresser for me when I go out huntin’! The way he filleted that chink guy was expert! I could use a good side kick when I go out for moose or bear, someone who could handle a big torso with a cutting knife.”
Knowing a fellow psycho when he sees one, Nugent went on. “As talented as he is and bein’ in the entertainment field the same as me and bein’ unafraid of what people think of ourselves, we would probably get along. Of course, he is a queer bastard, so we would have to stay in separate campers. If he started getting’ all hard on me (you knows what I means) then I would have to blast his porno assets all over the landscape, and I mean the Canadian landscape because I sure wouldn’t want any of that gay Aids blood of his soiling any of this great country. If he just keeps his hands and other parts of his physique to himself, then we’ll get along fine.”
“Of course, if we’re out in the woods and run out of food, then I’m blasting him immediately. I won’t have none of that ‘Hannibal — Silence Of The Lambs’ stuff going on with him making hor’dourves out of what is left of my brain after years of Budweisers and meth. Hoo-ya!” said Nugent.
“Of course his politics is a bit strange. He mailed parts of that slant eye to both the conservative and liberal party with the liberal party getting the better cut of meat. That bothers me more than the fact that he opens his barn door for guys. To think he would favor those Libtards.”
Unfortunately, Nugent may have to look for another partner as Magnotta, caught in Germany, has been extricated to a Montreal jail where he is kept under constant guard. And they make him wear one of those Hannibal Lector masks whenever he comes out of his cell.
Luka was to have had his initial hearing over video, but surprised the press by appearing in person. It was noted by the court that they were afraid that Magnotta, used to being a professional porn star, would forget where he was, see the camera and start disrobing and committing lascivious acts with whoever was escorting him at the moment.
The Canadian judge has asked that a psychiatric evaluation be done on Magnotta. The response from the entire Canadian judicial system was that “the judge himself needs an evaluation if he has to question whether this guys cart is kipped or not!”
And just to piss off Magnotta, they are only feeding him vegetarian meals.