Love Songs for Long-Married Couples

Your old love songs may need updating

When the two of you are driving to the chiropractor, to the pharmacy, or to attend your grandson’s kindergarten play to relish his fleeting appearance as Snow Flake Number Seven, the songs you first fell in love to might still be on the radio, but they no longer seem relevant. Instead, a few Love Songs for Long-Married Couples:

By Roz Warren and Janet Golden

Every Little Thing She Does Is Menopausal

I Got You and Erectile Dysfunction, Babe

My Heart Will Go On, Now That I’ve Got This Pacemaker

Baby I Love Your Hot Flashes

Total Eclipse of The Hip

I Will Always Love You, Even When You Steal The Blankets

Maybe I’m Amazed That I Still Remember Your Name

Time after Time You Remove Your Dentures

Killing Me Softly With His Snoring

All You Need is Bran

When A Man Loves A Woman (He Invests Wisely In a 401(k))

Love Me Tender I’ve Got Brittle Bones

It’s only Love (That Keeps Me From Throwing Out That Old Barcalounger)

I Want You To Want Me To Buy A New Prius.

Wonderful Tonight. And Tomorrow Night. (See? Leftovers Aren’t That Bad.)

First Time Ever I Saw Your Face Was in 1968

How Deep Is your Love Because I Can’t Reach that Top Shelf

Love To Love You Baby But Not After 9:30

Heartbreak Hotel Has Better Rates With A Senior Discount

You Are The Sunshine of My Life and I’m Using SPF 30.

You’re The one That I Want To Go Down And Make The Coffee

Love Will Keep us Together Because It Sure Isn’t Your Cooking

I Will Survive Your Cooking

Fly Me To The Moon So I Can Avoid Your Cooking

Feels So Right To Get Chinese Take Out

Three Times A Lady Called About That Insurance Policy

Let’s Get It On Before The Early Bird Special Ends

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Roz Warren

Roz Warren Roz is the author of Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library and Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and of course, the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.