Jedi Masters Ain’t What They Used To Be

Better candidates for Jedi Masters are easy to find

Sigh! Jedi Masters just ain’t what they used to be!

At one time they were of the caliber of Sir Alec Guiness, the original Obi-Wan Kenobi, a proven hero whose name had the extra fortification of being the same as a famous beer. But in today’s world (or should that be tomorrow’s world since it is science fiction — no, wait! These Star Wars films all happened “long, long ago in a galaxy for, far away” — so make that yesterday’s world) their backgrounds are a bit murky.

jedi masters alec guiness
Alec Guiness, the original Jedi Master.

Take the last Obi-Wan — the British actor Ewan McGregor. The other movie he was famous for was playing a Scottish junkie in “Trainspotting” who made toilet jumping look like an Olympic event.

What about Liam Neeson, the Jedi who got the bad end of Darth Maul’s light saber in “The Phantom Menace”? Wasn’t he the mutilated anti-hero of “Darkman,” playing a character who enacted a pyro-spectacular revenge on those who caused his disfigurement? I thought that turning the other cheek was supposed to be a noble Jedi trait (of course, I must admit that in “Darkman” Liam didn’t have much cheek left to turn.)

Then we can add Samuel L. Jackson’s name to the list. In the last three films he appears as a top-of-the corporate-ladder Master on the city planet and seems very devout and contemplative. Of course, he was also very contemplative in “Pulp Fiction” as he quoted passages from Ezekiel to the people whose heads he was about to blow off. What kind of karma is that for a Master to have?

What about the Yoda character? He still looks suspiciously like a Mini-Me version of the Grinch who stole Christmas. It could very possibly be the same character with cosmetic surgery (not that it helped any). If he isn’t the Grinch, then I’ll swear that he’s a Munchkin left over from “The Wizard of Oz” who’s had a house fall on him.

Now, the question this all leads up to is: Are these the sort of heroes we want our kids to look up to? On second thought, forget the kids, ARE THESE THE SORT OF HEROES WE’RE GOING TO LOOK UP TO? I’m sorry, but I don’t want an ex-Scottish drug-head to be the one responsible for defending my intergalactic freedoms!

I’d like to recommend my own candidates for Jedi Masters. How about Ralph Nader? Since he’s lost two elections he has a lot of time on his hands. He’d be a bit stiff in a fight, but you know his ethics are right. Let’s also be fair, we need a female Jedi Master. Angelina Jolie would make a good warrior, but I think she was born on the Dark Side of the Force.

For comic relief we could hire on Danny DeVito as a Master. Stretch his ears and spray paint him green and he’d be a dandy stand-in for Yoda.

Roger Freed