Minnesota Nice Interviews The Bird Watcher

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews an avid bird watcher from Minnesota.

ANNOUNCER

From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.

TOMMY ELLIS

Welcome. Been studying up on bird life here in the Northwoods. Have a bird watchin’ tour next week in the forests and around the lakes. This mornin’, I seen a woodpecker hammerin’ and drummin’ a hole through my pine tree. Fascinatin’. Had no idea a tree gets pregnant from a pecker. Gotta keep in mind there’s a downside to birds these days. They’re makin’ headlines in the news. Apparently, a nun got bird flu at the Vatican from a cardinal. Go figure.

bird watching Antioquia Brushfinch — Bird watching treat: the rare Antioquia Brushfinch. Photo: Sebastian Serna Muñoz, CC BY 4.0.

My guest today is Jack Cotton. He’s a bird watcher and president of the Slenderville Bird Watchin’ Society.

Hello Jack.

JACK COTTON

Yo, Tommy. Bird is the word. Bird, bird, bird. Bird is the word.

TOMMY

You betcha. Never realized there are 70 million people that watch birds.

JACK

Ya. Brings in billions of dollars of revenue to our national parks. Big tourist attraction in Minnesota. Where else can ya see a Bald Eagle? Or a Blue Jay?

TOMMY

I seen a bunch of Blue Jays playin’ the Minnesota Twins at a baseball game in the Cities. They was flyin’ around the bases.

JACK

Ya read up on birds. Okay then. Why do hummingbirds hum?

TOMMY

Easy. They forgot the words.

JACK

No doubt about it, you are a bird brain by golly.

TOMMY

Thanks, Jack.

JACK

I have an announcement. On July 2, we are havin’ Big Day. It’s a contest to spot as many birds as possible. Ya write down the time and location where ya see different bird species. Whomever finds the most birds from sunrise to sundown receives an honorary membership in the Ornithological Society.

TOMMY

Hold on. Ain’t that a doctor who fixes broken bones?

JACK

Nah. That’s an orthopedist. Knowin’ them folks, better off goin’ to a mechanic.

TOMMY

There’s a caller on the line. Hello?

CHOW MEIN

Salami?

TOMMY

It’s Tommy.

CHOW

So sorry. I have food truck in Fargo and want to drive up to Swenderville for Big Day. Gweat Chinese food. Your people tired of eating snowballs and Eskimo Pie.

TOMMY

I reckon’. What’s so special about your food?

CHOW

Eat healthy. Rice, noodles, vegetable, bamboo shoot and tofu.

JACK

Forgot meat there.

CHOW

You right. Duck, beef and pork.

JACK

Let me give you some advice when it comes to pork. Don’t ever tell a pig a secret.

CHOW

Why?

JACK

Because they love to squeal.

CHOW

You gonna love my food. Famous people visit food truck. Chinese President Xi here five year ago.

TOMMY

Why was he in town?

CHOW

Catch bats for Wuhan lab. Say something like he need to spread coronavirus.

JACK

And here I thought Tommy was a dingbat. Xi is very dangerous. Do you know the difference between a nuclear-ravaged wasteland and Hong Kong?

CHOW

No cru.

JACK

The amount Xi has been drinkin’.

TOMMY

Okay. You can bring your food truck here. I’m willin’ to die for my country.

CHOW

Thank you, Salami. Old Chinese saying, “Man who run in front of moving truck get tired.”

JACK

There’s an old sayin’ in the bird watchin’ business, “Don’t ruffle my feathers.”

TOMMY

Jack Cotton and Chow Mein. See ya tomorrow.

Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.