[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Native Tribe Rumored to Know Pathway into Inner Earth

The Inner Earth — is it real?

The rumor that inner earth is a paradise — known only to those who know about it — is true. So says one insider who claims that although he will not divulge where the opening is, he can say that it is now being utilized by an Arctic tribe who has been preparing the area for the end of the earth as we know it for going on three years.

Native Tribe Rumored to Know Pathway into Inner EarthBanana, peach, guava, citrus trees as far as the eye can see, hundreds of varieties of vegetables, lakes stocked with several species of edible fish, and enough game and fowl to feed the approximately 20,000 inhabitants for many, many years are said to be in place at this inner earth location, which is believed to be situated almost 700 miles below the surface.

Joshua Cane, a Harvard paleobotanist, has been studying the mythical world of Concha Terra (inner earth) for going on thirty years now and says that up until recently, it was just that…mythical.

“The news of this tribe readying Concha Terra for purposes of surviving a catastrophic event on the earth’s surface is not only one of the more interesting things I’ve heard lately,” said Cane, “but I tend to want to believe it due to the fact that there are too many similarities between what I’ve learned over the years and the small amount of information gleaned from the insider’s cryptic announcement.”

Cane was quick to point out that Concha Terra is not related in any way to the Hollow Earth so many Arctic explorers (including the infamous Admiral Byrd) and new age followers believe exists below the Arctic Circle.

“Evidently, this place is real. It exists and it is being utilized as we speak as a bunker by the tribe known only as ‘the Meek,’” said Cane, “who claims that the reason no one can find the place is that this tribe has also retained the ancient knowledge of being able to float above the earth instead of walking on it, allowing them to visit Concha Terra without leaving tracks in the snow.”

“Wishful thinking,” claims Jerry Newberry, a Scientologist from Nome, Alaska. “These rumors have been around for decades and every lead has turned up more false information.”

Newberry claims that even if such a place as an inner earth existed, it would be almost impossible to ready it for living conditions due to its depth. However, Cane disagrees with Newberry citing evidence that there are natural vacuums located just 20 miles below the surface that whisk the native Conchans to the inner sanctum within minutes.

Unfortunately, Cane’s interview was cut short by two men in lab coats who came to let Cane know it was time for his medication. Newberry was told to come along as well, as was their fellow patient known only as “the Insider.”

P. Beckert