A Jew, a Muslim and God Walk into a Bar

Wherein God expounds on his views about pork

A Jewish guy, a Muslim guy and God walk into a bar…wait a moment…nuts…I can’t remember how that one goes…

I’ll have to tell you another one instead:

god and pork
Photo courtesy Jeffrey Yoskowitz, from an article on Israel’s only Jewish-run pig farm.

God is busy at his desk in heaven looking over paperwork when St, Peter comes up to Him.

“Hello, St. Peter. What’s happening?”

“Good day, Lord. There is a Jewish man and a Muslim man at the gate who wish to go over something with you.”

“A Jewish guy and a Muslim guy? Did they arrive together?”

“Yeah, Lord, they did.”

God rubs his massive white beard in thought. “My, there must really be something big going on for these two to show up together. Send them in.”

A couple minute later the two approach God. The Hasidic Jew holds his black hat in his hand and the traditional looking robed Muslim Bedouin has taken his head scarf off in respect.

God, quite surprised, waves them to come forward. “So, what can I do for you gentlemen?”

The Jewish guy and the Muslim guy are somewhat shy and look at each other wondering who should go first. Finally the Muslim guy motions for the Jewish guy to go first.

“Well, Great Jehovah…”

“Oh, you can just call me God. We don’t need to be so formal here.”

“OK, God, we wish to bring something to Your attention that has been bothering people in both our cultures for a long time. We would like to bring up the issue of the pig.”

Gods brow furrows in surprise. “The pig?”

“Yes, Lord. To both of our cultures the pig is an unclean animal. We wanted to ask if you could eliminate the species to prevent people from having the temptation to eat them.”

“Eliminate the pig? Why, half the world would starve if I did that!”

The Muslim guy looks at the Jewish guy and says, “But they are filthy! An unclean animal!”

“Well, nothing is perfect!” God said. “Potatoes come wrapped in dirt too!”

“Lord, I am sorry to say, but I have to agree with him.” stated the Jewish guy.

God sighed. He could see this wouldn’t be easy.

“Look, fellas. These things were specially designed to be a major food source! I spent a lot of time on their development. They are eating machines. They are walking delicatessens. They are meat on feet. And they taste great if you cook them right.”

The Jewish guy and the Muslim guy uttered simultaneously, “But we thought you ordered us not too!”

God stopped quizzically for a moment, then asked, “What was that now?”

The Jewish guy answered, “It was written, ‘Thou shalt not eat unclean animals.”

“Oh, that! No, no, that was mistranslated! It was supposed to say ‘wash up unclean animals before you eat them!’ Phooey! I should have had that corrected long ago. Let me make a note to remind myself.” He scribbles furiously in a notebook.

“Anyway, go ahead and eat the things. I won’t stop you. Make some barbeques, fry up some pork chops, go hog wild!” God laughed heartily at his own joke. He stopped abruptly when He saw the other two men not laughing.

“What is wrong now?” he asked, his countenance darkening.

“Well, Sire,” began the Muslim man, “it will be very difficult to change now. We have not been eating pork for millenniums now and it was always forbidden too. I think this change will upset a lot of people.”

“Well,” God stammered for an answer, “…I guess… well, they are just going to have to be upset then. I can’t keep track of every little thing that goes on down there, you know. The earth is only one planet and I have many more to keep watch over than that, believe me! Anyway, I have more important things to take care of and I can’t keep on with this malarkey. Just go back down to earth, kick back, and wash down a couple bratwursts with a beer. Best thing after a hard day’s work that there is! Believe me, I know!”

The two men exchanged glances at each other as they departed.

The Muslim guy spoke first. “I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell am not going to be the one to break the news to my people!”

The Jewish guy dittoed him. “I agree. I am not going to be the one to change things. I am not up to being martyred over sausage!”

They both walked out into the sunset, returned home, and never mentioned it to a soul.