[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

NRA Promotes Selling Guns in Front of Malls and Schools

Hopes selling guns in public places will cause mass shootings, stimulate more sales

The NRA, flush with a victory over the US Government — and common sense in general — with their defeat of all gun bills, has come up with a new approach. Observing that the sale of guns actually increases after mass killings and after threats of gun control restrictions, the NRA has decided to go for broke, selling guns in places that stimulate more mass shootings, thus stimulating more sales.

selling gunsThe NRA has already been making a killing (so far, just in the financial sense of the word) selling shotguns in the parking lots outside of shopping malls. Unfortunately, except for a few misfires from people purchasing guns who have never used them before, there hasn’t been any drastic casualties.

Setting up booths selling assault rifles outside of elementary schools has also not gotten any takers so far. They have even tried selling the guns to toddlers on their way to class, but found that they were too heavy for them to carry, much less aim. “We’ll come back next week with some lighter handguns. They don’t have quite the shooting potential, but are good for getting the ball rolling,” stated top salesperson Shute M. Upp.

Sales have gone remarkably well outside of mosques in the U.S., however. Interestingly, the demographics for this have been mostly men in their early teens and seem to be divided between alienated young Muslims born in the Mideast and raised in America and skin head white supremacists who are sick of alienated young Muslims born in the Mideast and raised in America.

Reports are coming in of a mass shooting at a postal facility in Denver, Colorado, but it turned out to just be union workers setting their managers on fire.

More reports are coming in of successful NRA sales across the nation: A booth set up obnoxiously at the Portland Oregon Peoples Fair was visited by several liberal groups who chanted “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” as they used the sales people for target practice with the new assault rifles they had just purchased.

At one, outside of Washington D.C., disgusted parents of children who had been killed by gun violence went up to a booth at a school, bought several guns and shot the sales people to little pieces. At a gun sales next to a Girl Scout cookie selling table the girls, the girls, sick of losing money due to sitting next to the more aggressive NRA people, bought a couple guns and blasted them to ammo heaven.

Roger Freed