Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/24/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news and headlines don’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Secret Service threatened to shoot Mr. Met if he got close to President Clinton, book says

Yeah, like anyone involved with the Mets could hit anything.

Jaden Smith lands a role as a cross dressing slave

It should be called “12 Years a Slave to Fashion.”

Rapper Andre Johnson severed his penis, jumped off a building and survived

From now on he will be known as just Andre, no Johnson.

Has Apple maps found the Loch Ness Monster?

Yes, but in Lake Michigan.

Star Wars’ set spotted in Abu Dhabi

Really? Sounds more like the place to film the Flintstones.

Stephen Colbert’s ‘Late Show’ Deal Slammed by Rush Limbaugh

Proving Rush is the 800 pound irrelevant in the room.

Sugar is 8X more addictive than cocaine

What that tells you is researchers used some really shitty coke.

Tennessee must recognize marriages of three same-sex couples: Judge

It would be so much easier for Tennessee if they were all 1st cousins.

Chris Christie drops 100 Pounds

Or, the equivalent of 1 and 1/2 Olsen twins.

Mysterious new man-made gases pose threat to ozone layer

And, I swear I sat next to this guy on a bus.

Document called ‘The Gospel of Jesus’s Wife’ likely real

CBS is thinking of making it into a series called ‘How I Met Your Martyr.’

Fox News’ panel on ‘Race In America’ consisted of only white people

In fairness, a couple had tans.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)