Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/6/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.  And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule:  barely pay attention and jump to conclusions.  So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today, john kerryIsrael ‘spied’ on Kerry during peace talks

More amazing, the people listening stayed awake.

Arizona execution took over 2 hours

Apparently, the state of Arizona combined their Corrections Department with the state DMV.

Walmart ice cream sandwich doesn’t melt after 12 hours in the sun

The same can’t be said for Bruce Jenner.

Iraq is using the worst possible method to fight ISIS

That dropping your weapons and running thing tends to not work.

Karl Rove heckled throughout speech in Massachusetts, called ‘murderer,’ ‘terrorist’

And, that was just by his mom.

Study: Majority of college presidents oppose concealed guns on campus

And, the others are confused about the term “high caliber education.”

UFOs over Toronto caught on tape, prompting police reports

Even ET’s can’t believe who Toronto elected Mayor.

Orlando Bloom punches Justin Bieber

Have to admit I love it when two chicks fight.

Charlie Sheen: ‘I’m SO Hammered’ … At the Taco Bell Drive-Thru

So what? It’s only news if someone isn’t hammered at the Taco Bell Drive Thru.

Mike Tyson presents Evander Holyfield at Boxing Hall of Fame ceremony

Ironically, Tyson gave everyone an earful.

Police say man arrested for drunk driving blamed turtle, cat, and squirrel in wreck

One question: How badly wrecked was his ark?

Why do dentists charge so much to whiten teeth?

Sounds racist to me.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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