Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
The Rolling Stones going back on tour
When most people their age can only dream about being appointed to the Supreme Court.
Nigerian Goodluck Jonathan calls rival to concede defeat – APC
And, to announce his name change to ‘Shit Out of Luck Jonathan’
US court says school yoga does not violate religious freedom
I guess there’s no truth to it teaching Downward Facing Dogma
Happy 81st birthday, Jane Goodall
Even at 81, bet you still monkey around. Wink. Wink.
Top Former Bush administration official ‘heartened’ by Iran deal
Amazing. Not that they agree with the deal, but that any ex-Bush official has a heart.
Christian florist denies service to gays, not adulterers, because it’s a ‘different kind of sin’
Yup, it’s the sin of gays being better florists.
Republican ‘abstinence-only’ crusader’s 17-year-old daughter is pregnant
It could be worse. He could also be the father.
NFL to hire first female game official
No word if her job will include standing in front of the play blocking everyone watching on TV’s view.
Paris Hilton: ‘I inspired the Kim Kardashian brand’
C’mon, Paris, like there aren’t already enough reasons to dislike you.
3% decrease in California almond production would save as much water as completely shutting off water usage in SF
Yeah, but that would be really nuts.
Coroner: ‘Death of Andrew Getty appears natural or accident’
Look for coroner to be on the new show, ‘So You Think You Can Take A Stance?’
Obama plans first presidential trip to Kenya, father’s homeland
Donald Trump: ‘And, to visit his old high school.’