[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Koch Brothers Announce Revamp of Congress, Government

Incompetent Tea Party hires ‘nearly ruined the brand,’ they say

The Koch brothers, multi-billionaires known for their political activism, announced that they will hire a whole new slate of representatives next year “all the way from state legislatures up to the president.”

Koch brothers
The Koch brothers hope to buy a "better government."

Charles Koch, opening the press conference in Washington this afternoon, said the new hires will be “well-vetted” and “must pledge to never raise taxes, to privatize Social Security and, of course, to always follow orders.”

“We don’t put up with disobedient employees, which is why we’re cleaning house now,” Mr. Koch explained.

Tea Party Republicans were “generally undisciplined” he said, “and nearly ruined the brand.” “We will be looking for more experienced liars — uh, candidates — ones that will make it at least look like they know what they’re doing.”

“Of course, replacing the insolent Democrats needs no explanation,” he added.

Charles’ brother, David, spoke later, heaping praise on the Supreme Court for their “courageous and inspired” decision early last year, when they basically gave corporations the right to spend unlimited sums on candidates and issue ads in election campaigns.

The “Citizens United decision was a brave departure from precedent,” he said, “and we thank them for restoring free speech — in the form of very expensive corporate speech.”

“In this world, there are no free rides, it’s pay to play. So why should our elections be any different?” he added.

The new candidates must meet extremely stringent requirements, the Kochs assured reporters, “because we are tired of not getting full value for our money.”

As an example, they pointed to Herman Cain, Republican candidate for president. “Now there is a man who knows how to run an operation. Keep the employees happy, pay lots of attention to the little ladies, and always obey your superiors.”

An information brochure provided to the press said, “We are improving our product line, and we pledge to America that we will install the very best government money can buy.”

In related news, Herman Cain said, “I am the Koch brothers’ brother from another mother. And another father. But we’re like peas in a pod. A segregated pod, but a pod nonetheless. They’re like my bossy older brothers. But it’s cool.”

James Israel
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