[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Obama: U.S. Too Big to Fail

Reassures “nattering nabobs of negativity”

CHICAGO, IL – With the U.S. economy seemingly disintegrating right before our eyes, President-elect Barack Obama is anxious to get his new team to work on the problem. Obama has selected the “best and the brightest,” many of whom have served under Clinton in the past and have been “intimately involved” in riding the economy “to hell in a handbasket” as one aide put it, who wished to remain anonymous.

“Neither bankruptcy nor forced reorganization is the right prescription for these troubled mega-corporations,” said Tim Geithner, Obama’s pick for Treasury Secretary, adding, “they need our help to maintain their way of life.”

“Now, we’ve asked that the auto companies come up with a plan to save themselves,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D‑NV, “we’re not just going to hand over 35 billion dollars with no plan, that’s crazy talk.” Asked about bank bailouts, he said, “As far as Citibank goes, we’re ready to dump another 300 billion on them right now.”

Pressed for details, Reid was brief. “Citibank already has a plan, and we’re satisfied with it,” he said. According to a top Citibank executive, that plan consists of layoffs, incantations, strident pleas and throwing themselves on the kind mercies of Hank Paulson.

Even after accepting hundreds of billions in bailout funds, Citibank and other banks still hold hundreds of billions in toxic paper. “No problem,” said Geithner, “we’ve got new technologies for cleaning up toxic waste – did you know that certain forms of bacteria can eat that stuff and produce clean water? Amazing.”

However, despite Geithner’s upbeat appraisal of the situation, many top economists are forecasting gloom and doom. “Things are not looking good,” said two-time Nobel-prize winner and former chief economist of the World Bank, Joseph Stiglitz, adding, “if we don’t empty our wallets right now for these poor CEOs, bankers and speculators, we’re all toast.”

But Obama continued to insist that there is hope. “We must remain optimistic, as we look to the future and work together to build trust once again,” he said, toting a duffle bag as he walked out of his own bank, after withdrawing everything he had in it. “I’m confident we can turn it around, after all, the U.S. is simply too big to fail. I’m sure the Chinese feel the same way, and they have the added incentive of needing to keep their biggest asset – us – afloat.”

James Israel
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