[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Fir Trees Being Kidnapped Mysteriously Around the World

Strange disappearances linked to odd annual cult ritual

Thousands of fir trees have been mysteriously disappearing from forests around the Western world in the last few weeks, say FBI investigators on the case.

Forest rangers making their rounds have been shocked to find many conifers, mostly young ones between three and six feet tall, missing with only short stumps to mark where they had been. Experts have expressed fears that there is some sort of trafficking in evergreens going on, perhaps even an international trade.

No one is clear as to what is being done with the conscripted trees, but suspicions exist that there is an illegal fire wood operating, or major ship building going on or — to the horror of many — a bizarre tree sex cult in operation.

The FBI says it has dismissed these possibilities because: A) No one has real fireplaces anymore, B) no one makes ships out of wood anymore and C) people can only be so degenerate and tree sex is too strange even for Howard Stern.

The entire episode is reminiscent of last year at this time, when thousands of trees were also reported missing.

Horrifyingly, many of their lopped off, dehydrated bodies were found left at roadsides after the turn of the year, their browning needles bizarrely covered with wispy, metallic silver strands and broken shards of what appear to be brightly colored globes.

Oddly, accumulated surveillance tapes have shown what appear to be “normal” families driving up, choosing a specific tree, cutting them down and driving off with them strapped to the top of the car. Rangers and the FBI are scratching their heads over this bizarre behavior, and there is now talk of a weird religious cult being behind the slaughter.

Agreements have been made with milk companies to print photographs of the kidnapped trees on milk cartons along with a call in number to help find them.

Roger Freed