Recycled Republicans

SCENARIO — A secret laboratory deep underground beneath the American Heritage Think Tank And Karaoke Lounge in Washington. It is a room filled with strange scientific paraphernalia — tubes transporting strangely colored liquids run here and there connecting into buzzing machines. Varied colored indicator lights flicker on and off. All of these things seem to center upon a mysterious, human-shaped chamber filled with swirling gases in the middle of the room.

Dr. Wolfgang (mad scientist type #1, deep German accent) – “Our tests are almost complete, Sergei!”

Dr. Sergei (mad scientist type #2, deep Slavic accent) – “Yes, soon we will know if our experiment will succeed, Dr. Wolfgang!”

Dr. Wolfgang – “The chamber is ready. Today will be the final step. Hereafter we will be eternally famous!”

Dr. Sergei – “Oh, it is sheer genius! With this invention we are sure to win the election!”

Dr. Wolfgang – “No one will ever suspect!”

Dr. Sergei – “Of course not! It is the ultimate scientific achievement!”

Dr. Wolfgang – “It is right up there with the invention of napalm…”

Dr. Sergei – “Right!”

Dr. Wolfgang – “…with the invention of the atom bomb…”

Dr. Sergei – “Right!”

Dr. Wolfgang – “…with the creation of the electric chair…”

Dr. Sergei – “Right!”

Dr. Wolfgang – “…with the invention of Frankenstein…”

Dr. Sergei – “Rig…” (His eyes suddenly pop open when he realizes what his colleague has said. He quickly covers the other man’s mouth with his hand.) “BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY!!!!” (He looks around to see if anyone else has heard even though they are all alone. He whispers.) “There are too many scientific similarities!”

Dr. Wolfgang – “Oh….of course….. you are right!”

A voice comes over the intercom – “Level Five to Level One! We are coming down!”

Both men jump into action (They speak simultaneously.) – “They are coming! Ready the chambers!”

The door opens. Two soldiers stride in holding a man dressed in a suit whose entire head is covered with a bandage.

Dr. Wolfgang – “Ah, good day Mr. Rea…” (Dr. Sergei swiftly elbows him.) “I mean, Mr. Gingrich!”

A stifled, drugged murmur comes from underneath the bandages.

The two doctors take the bandaged man and dismiss the soldiers.

Dr. Sergei – “Right this way, sir.”

They take him to the chamber, put him in, then remove the bandages.

Dr. Wolfgang – “Yes, yes! He does look very good! One more time and it should be complete!” (To the man) “Just relax, sir, it will all be over soon!”

They close the chamber and throw a couple switches. All the equipment starts to buzz with activity.

Suddenly a voice sounds from behind them. – “Ahh, the wonders of science!”

The two scientists whirl around in surprise. – (Simultaneously.) “General Blasphemy! How did you get in here?”

General – “Oh, we always have a few extra keys lying around the Pentagon, boys!”

Dr. Wolfgang – “But this is a top secret installation!” (Both scientists move in to block the General’s view of the chamber.)

General – (He moves craftily around them.) “And I am a top secret General! I always like to see what sort of hobbies the CIA spends its spare change on.”

Dr. Sergei – “Er, these are top government grounds! They are open only to scientists!”

General – (Glaring at him intimidatingly.) “Sir, I am top government!”

Dr. Wolfgang – (Gives up.) “Oh, all right!” (He leads the General to the chamber and opens up the viewing window.)

General – (Now it is his turn to be surprised.) “My God! That’s…. that’s…..! That’s Ronald Reagan inside!”

Dr. Wolfgang – “That is correct General. That is to say, it WAS Ronald Reagan!”

General – “But what….. what…… are you doing to him?”

Dr. Wolfgang – “We are making the ultimate Republican candidate! We are making a hybrid Presidential, an unbeatable combination that no opponent can defeat. We are grafting Reagan’s head and parts of his brain onto Newt Gingrich’s body. These two Republican giants together will make an unstoppable force!”

General – “What in the world……?”

Dr. Wolfgang – “We Republicans have had enough of losing out to whiny liberal candidates who get by on a shoestring and a smile. We need a man who is a sure winner and displays all the traditional American characteristics that people love. Gingrich didn’t have them.”

General – “But Reagan had Alzheimer’s Disease!”

Dr. Sergei – “He did, but we cut out those non-functioning parts and inserted just those associated with his sparkling, unique personality. These coupled with Gingrich’s serpent-like genius for political intrigue will make an unbeatable combo. We put Reagan’s face on it because he had the more likeable of the two persona’s. For the last few years of Reagan’s life we had a synthesized Borg running on low power batteries replace the real man while we kept his head frozen for future use. Nancy never noticed the difference.”

General – (Half muttering as he peers in) “It sure didn’t improve his looks any.” ( To the scientists) “What are you going to do with him?”

Dr. Wolfgang – “You will see. The final stage in his transformation is almost complete. You will be the first outsider to witness our success!” (Dr. Wolfgang throws more switches and the whole place lights up like Las Vegas on New Year’s Eve. Sparks fly, lights glimmer, fade and then glow again. A myriad of machine sounds fill the room. The gases in the chamber swirl madly. Suddenly, all is still. Dr. Sergei opens the chamber.)

Dr. Wolfgang – “Success! Success!”

The figure steps out.

Dr. Wolfgang – “So, how do you feel, Mr. Future President?”

The new ‘Reagan’ – “Why, fine, just fine! Top fit!”

General – (Shocked) “Why, that’s… that’s just incredible!”

Dr. Wolfgang – “That’s right, General! It’s no longer wholly Gingrich or Reagan. It’s the best of both of them! This, General, is our neo-plasmatic, unichromosoned, sub-atomized, mini-cellular structuralized presidential candidate. We are able to change a person’s molecular structure in order to make him look like what or who we want.”

General – “Where did you get such a machine?”

Dr. Wolfgang – “Second hand from Micheal Jackson’s estate.”

General – “Unbelievable! But it really is him!”

Dr. Wolfgang – “As sound as ever!”

General – “But tell me, what did you do with the rest of Gingrich?”

Dr. Sergei – “We are deep freezing him for the next election!”


To be continued…..and continued…….and continued…………

Roger Freed