This Brew’s for You, Tea Party!

The Tea Party needs some actual teas: We’re here to help

By Roz Warren and Janet Golden

They call themselves the Tea Party, but so far they’ve failed to party with any actual tea. Until now. Here’s a list of brand new tea blends for those wacky rabble-rousing right-wingers:

Want a pick-me-up? Try Electric Chair Jolt, the tea that brings the vibe.

Think Mitt shot himself in the foot by waffling on abortion? Try Mitty Mitty Bang Bang tea.

A tea party with lots of strange characters -- sound familiar?
A tea party with lots of strange characters -- sound familiar?

Worried that fence on the Mexican border isn’t high enough? Go for some No Hombres Aqui tea.

Longing to bring prayer back to public schools? Amen-a-tea is the brew for you.

Hate Nancy Pelosi and other feminist politicos? Have some Libber-free tea.

Think impoverished folks don’t pay enough taxes? Savor a soothing sip of Soak The Poor tea.

In a New Jersey state of mind? Clamor for Chris-tea.

Invited to a gay wedding? Toss that invite away, you homophobe, and grab a cup of No LGB-Tea.

Fanatical in your opposition to abortion rights? Don’t just drink a cup of It’s Not Your Body tea — have someone else pour it down your throat.

Don’t know what to think? Whatever you do, don’t think for yourself! Instead, turn to Limbaugh’s Pundit tea.

Is Newt “fly-me-to-the-moon” Gingrich starting to sound a little too wacky, even for you? Calm yourself down with soothing San-A-tea.

Can’t wait to see a gigantic neon cross on top of the Capitol Building? Savor a cup of Theocra-tea.

You’re tempted to cheat but don’t want to break your marriage vows? Man up with Nervy Newt tea.

Old, angry and bitter? What you need is McCain’s Many Houses tea. Steep for five minutes — and don’t forget to drink!

Need a break from candidate robo-calls? Sit back and enjoy a cup of Wasilla Wonderful. Place bag in cup, pour in hot water, grab your gun and go out and shoot a moose. When you return, it’ll be ready!

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Roz Warren
Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.
  • Chefamybeth

    Funny Roz! May I add 1? The Tea Baggers gold label tea–you want Life, LiberTea and the pursuit of happiness? Good luck with that guaranTea!

  • Just One Boomer

    If you’re an employer with a moral objection to providing reproductive health services for your female employees, cogitate about your conscience as you enjoy a nice cup of “Not My Cup of Tea Tea”

  • Stacia

    The more I watch the GOP debates, the more I crave a cup of tea with a hefty shot of brandy.

  • Isabella2

    Okay – I could really use a cup of Sani – tea right now! Do you ship it in bulk?

  • Jody

    This made me chuckle, which is hard to do in the current political climate.  I’m afraid to think of a tea in my current mood.  Might get me shot on the way to WalMart…

  • Kelly Siderio

    very funny!

  • Vance

    If Theocra-tea is too strong for you, maybe you should settle in with some Mediocra-Tea.

  • Rina Piccolo

    Loved it. Very funny, Roz!

  • maura rhodes

    Steeped in cleverness, brimming with smarts — I wish I were half this funny! Way to go Roz and Janet!

  • bobzaguy

    I wish Maura Rhodes was half this funny too!

  • Jim

    Conspira-Tea? GOP AssIAm? and the who-sencha of anti-green tea parties: GYouAreKookoo.

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