Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Drumstick the Turkey’ receives Trump pardon

The only way this turkey could be any whiter is if it were carrying a Tiki torch.

Margaret Court says gay marriage is the end of Christmas

Really? Then explain why people don their gay apparel.

‘CBS This Morning’ wants Oprah to fill in for Charlie Rose after firing: Report

And you get a restraining order. And you get a restraining order. And you get a restraining order.

Sexual harassment is a big problem in the entertainment industry

Yup, sure looks like this year the Oscars, Emmy’s, Tony’s and Grammy’s are going to need an ‘In Memoriam’… for careers.

BAD JUDGE: Jeanine Pirro busted for driving an insane 119 mph

Sorry, Jeanine, no matter how fast you go, you can’t get away from yourself.

Trump all but endorses Roy Moore for Senate

… and Prom King.

Black Friday racks up $2.87B in online sales as of 5PM, $1.4B on mobile

And, Trump is awaiting a thank you from Black Friday, the most ungrateful Friday of the year.

GOP lawmaker, Joe Barton, apologizes after photo of his penis is posted online

Bringing new meaning to the term ‘junk mail.’

Charles Manson is dead at 83

Wondering if they took his dating profile down from eHarmMe.

Jim Bakker claims ‘Merry Christmas’ was outlawed

Yes, Virginia there is a Sanity Clause, and Bakker broke it

Woman accuses Ryan Seacrest of sexual harassment

I’m shocked, a woman…?

More than 500 Amazon workers in Europe are going on strike this Black Friday

While Amazon Prime workers were able to begin their strike 48 hours earlier.

China Suspends North Korea flights and closes main road between them amid nuclear tensions

So that’s what Chris Christie has been up to…

‘Russian Backdoor Overture’ to Kushner involved close Putin ally

Enough, I don’t see what Jared’s sex life has to do with anything.

Congress is complaining Trump didn’t ask for enough money to aid victims of disasters in Puerto Rico, Texas, Florida, U.S Virgin Islands

…and the Charlie Rose Show.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)