Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/31/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mary Poppins

‘Mary Poppins Returns’ hits big screen for holidays

Y’know, if she were Maria Poppins, Trump would be trying to get her undocumented ass tossed out of the theaters!

Gov. Andrew Cuomo calls for legalization of recreational marijuana in New York

Making New York the ‘Hempire State.’

Does Preparation H actually help treat puffy eyes?

… only if you look like a real asshole.

Burglar in Rudolph mask wanted by police for pre-Christmas heist

It seems she was caught red nosed.

Angelina Jolie thinking of running for office

Makes sense, she’s adopted so many kids …. there’s more than enough of them to make up a Congressional district!

Obama says Michelle’s book one of his 2018 favorites

Wonder if he’ll like it as much when Melania comes out with the same book next year!

Kate Middleton. Meghan Markle apparently played Scrabble at Christmas

… no word if extra points were awarded every time one spelled out ‘bitch.’

Kim Kardashian just tweeted that psoriasis has ‘taken over’ her body

Hmmmm, that’s an odd new rapper name for Kanye …

Guilliani backtracks: Trump will not give Mueller any more written answers

Damn, Trump couldn’t be acting any guiltier even if he entered “The Pee Pee Tape” for an Oscar as Best Foreign Language film from Russia.

Durex recalls some condoms in Canada over ‘burst pressure’ concerns

… And people say romance is dead! Ha!

Melania Trump answers Christmas calls in Christian Louboutin heels

Putting the Christian back in Christmas, I see.

J.C. Penney shares fall after holiday shopping season

‪… all stores will now be known as JC Pennyless.

Robin Thicke popped the question to his model girlfriend

I’m betting Marvin Gaye’s family’s attorney is waiting to see if the question was: What’s going on?

Trump threatening to seal off U.S./Mexico border

… big deal, what does he care if the price of fruits and vegetables skyrocket? … He doesn’t eat that stuff anyway.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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