Horoscopes for Jerks: January 2019

What’s your sign? Check out your Funny Horoscope January 2019, and the outlook for all those jerks you know, right here!

What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope January 2019. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them, too! (Check out past funny horoscopes here.) 

Zodiac_01-Aries Aries: Sure, you can make a new year’s resolution to lead it all in house, but consider who does all the shit you don’t want to first.
Zodiac_02-Taurus Taurus: Diets are like politicians denying themselves raises: they don’t work, so pick a better resolution.
Zodiac_03-Gemini Gemini: New year’s resolutions don’t fit twins.
Zodiac_04-Cancer Cancer: Don’t make resolutions about your home cause that’d be like Trump promising to crack down on immigration laws.
Zodiac_05-Leo" Leo: Happy New Year, Lions! Keep your nails clean and the bloody remains out of your teeth, like Ivanka Trump.
Zodiac_06-Virgo" Virgo: After you’ve created a Vin Diagram for your new year’s resolutions, throw it away and read Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs.
Zodiac_07-Libra" Libra: Like a Drag Queen contest, you’re as fair as Dolly Parton, so keep those resolutions off your Scales of Justice.
Zodiac_08-Scorpio Scorpio: If you plan to build a wall to keep out compassion during 2019, just think about all the butterflies you’re destroying too.
Zodiac_09-Sag Sagittarius: Resolute to focus on a couple of goals, not everywhere you want to stick your arrow.
Zodiac_10-Cap Capricorn: Like a 50-year-old feminist, you’re already resolute enough.
Zodiac_11-Aquarius Aquarius: Resolutions to give a few dollars a month to massive non-profit organizations are truly disgusting.
Zodiac_12-Pisces Pisces: If the action stops at the voting booth, the resolution never happens.

zodiac, horoscope January 2019, signs

zodiac, horoscope January 2019, signs
Mosaic pavement of a 6th century synagogue at Beth Alpha, Jezreel Valley, northern Israel. It was discovered in 1928. Signs of the zodiac surround the central chariot of the Sun (a Greek motif), while the corners depict the 4 “turning points” (“tekufot”) of the year, solstices and equinoxes, each named for the month in which it occurs. Enjoy this Funny Horoscope January 2019, and please share!
Jennifer Hollie Bowles
Latest posts by Jennifer Hollie Bowles (see all)