What’s your sign? Check out your and every other jerk’s horoscope right here every month!
What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your horoscope for the month. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky horoscopes with them too!
|Aries: As you make plans this year to become a better leader, understand that true leadership is inclusive… The universe begs you to stop watching CNN and Fox News.|
|Taurus: Your New Year’s resolutions are likely to involve losing weight. Note that popular diets are a form of social control designed to keep you dieting – go for a lifestyle change instead.|
|Gemini: Want to start off the New Year with balanced twindom? Proceed as if there’s no such thing as a white lie or Starbucks.|
|Cancer: While you may want to continue into 2018 as though you’re protected in that hard exterior shell, just like Americans think they are protected by those in power from war… You are not.|
|Leo: This year, the planets advise you: GQ and Victoria’s Secret will only increase your facade of passion and pride, not your true charisma and creativity.|
|Virgo: To the extent that you prefer patterns and technology over people, keep in mind that Science is only as objective as its scientists and Sophia doesn’t want you as a mate.|
|Libra: Good luck making sense of that scale this year… you live in a reality where Hillary Clinton promoted Monsanto and Trump tweeted Eminem.|
|Scorpio: Your goal this New Year and every New Year should be to decrease secretive and manipulative behaviors. Start with your social media activity, and don’t use celebrities as lifestyle templates.|
|Sagittarius: As you search for greater meaning in life this New Year, remember that good archers get off their asses before drawing the bow, and they don’t buy arrows at Wal-Mart.|
|Capricorn: This New Year, cosmic energies remind you that respecting authority and being an authority go hand-in-hand. What and who is an authority, however, is decided by advertisements.|
|Aquarius: You may seek greater involvement with social movements this year. Just remember that wardrobe rights for golden Pomeranians pale in comparison to threats of nuclear war.|
|Pisces: This year, you’re likely to embrace the intuition that reality is closer to a Nirvana song than an episode of Friends. Suicide, however, is not the answer.|