[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

GOP Congress to Banish ‘Scourge of Science’ Forever

“Sham science is a sham, as everyone knows.” – Sen. Ted Cruz

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced today that he is working with “dedicated Senators and Representatives” to abolish the “scourge of science from our shores forever.”

Gutenberg printing press, science
The new Gutenberg printing press congress is setting up for the “post-science renaissance” period.

McConnell said the Senate bill will be ready for a vote “within a couple days, by my sundial,” and added that House Speaker John Boehner should have the companion bill ready “by the next full moon.”

The new bill comes on the heels of Bill HR 1422, the Science Advisory Board Reform Act, passed by the GOP-dominated House, which effectively prevents scientists from providing advice to the EPA. Of course, corporate representatives are still allowed to lobby the EPA all they want.

“The American people are tired of being led around by the nose by these charlatans who call themselves ‘scientists,’ and we’re here to help,” said McConnell. “The Canadians know what we’re talking about,” he added, referring to the conservative government of Stephen Harper, which has been shutting down research libraries and burning books.

Sen. John Thune (R-SD), new chair of the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee, and Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), recently-appointed chair of the Subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness, are working hand-in-hand with McConnell to “free America, and eventually the world, from the shackles of hi-tech gobbly-gook,” as Cruz put it.

“Look, we get it,” said Sen. Cruz, “people like their gadgets and all that ‘modern’ stuff, like cars, TVs and life-saving medicines. But what’s at stake here is far more important: the soul of America. You can’t serve both God and geek, to paraphrase the Bible.”

“People will learn to get by without their devil tools,” said Sen. Thune, “we did just fine for the 6,000 years humans have been around — hell, we even rode dinosaurs. Talk about environmentally sustainable, give me a dinomobile!”

“Like it says right here on the Young Earth Wikipedia page,” continued Thune, looking it up on his smart phone. “It’s only a theory that people need science. And guess who make up them ‘theories’ out of thin air? You guessed it: scientists! It’s circular logic, if you know what I mean.”

Asked how the new bill will impact the economy, Sen. McConnell responded: “It will spur growth in all areas. For one, jobs will be plentiful once again, as we’ll need people to pull us around in carts, millions of new farmers to replace machines, scribes to hand-write all publications, galleys full of rowers for transportation by sea, and on and on. Now, you’ll have to excuse me, I’m late for my flight.”

The House and Senate are preparing for the “new golden age of non-science” by installing thousands of candle oberas, lanterns and torches to light the halls of congress, and hiring female “fanners” to help keep them cool in the hot, humid Washington summers. They are also installing a brand-new Gutenberg printing press to pump out new bills, post-science.

“We plan to have a big ceremony once the bill passes, where we’ll all throw our computers and smart phones into a big pit,” said Sen. Cruz. “It’ll be awesome, I’m setting up the event page on Facebook right now!”

James Israel
Social media