Horoscopes for Jerks: May 2019

What’s your sign? Check out your Funny Horoscope May 2019, and the outlook for all those jerks you know — right here!

What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope May 2019. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them, too! (Check out past funny horoscopes here.) 

Zodiac_01-Aries, Funny Horoscope May 2019 Aries: Welcome Spring like the Ram you are: head-butt Persephone out of hell and tell her to sprout flowers from her feet asap!
Zodiac_02-Taurus, Funny Horoscope May 2019 Taurus: In a culture where natural beauty is rarer than a cat-ear selfie, don’t forget to smell the roses in your local grocery store.
Zodiac_03-Gemini, Funny Horoscope May 2019 Gemini:  Spring always looks good on a Twin. Except Trump.
Zodiac_04-Cancer, Funny Horoscope May 2019 Cancer: Don’t nurture every lost soul you find this Spring: some of them will just be sitcom junkies.
Zodiac_05-Leo" Leo: Excess pride, insurance premiums, and alcohol may cause liver spots and hernias, but it’s not like co-pays and warning labels will kill you… this Spring.
Zodiac_06-Virgo" Virgo: Go outside and get away from media this Spring, because the side effects of watching advertisements include sudden death and balderdash syndrome.
Zodiac_07-Libra" Libra: Warning: plastic flowers and skimpy Spring dresses may cause displacement of values and internal bleeding.
Zodiac_08-Scorpio Scorpio: You know what’s up this time of year, and it isn’t just the sky, regrowth, or well intentioned manipulations.
Zodiac_09-Sag Sagittarius: Go ahead: shoot an arrow at Karma like you totally got this, and that bitch will split into so many pieces it’ll come back at you three Springs from now.
Zodiac_10-Cap Capricorn: If you want more privacy in your backyard this season, just remember that you need a permit to build a fence, which will never keep-out the thirsty, scared, or otherwise determined.
Zodiac_11-Aquarius Aquarius: Worried about another government shutdown? Don’t: Spring comes with or without political illusions.
Zodiac_12-Pisces Pisces:  Upstream, downstream, the scales of fish shine in the Spring sun, just like Lipstick #52: Wet Pinkk Glittera Mokka Cuppcake Divine X.

zodiac, horoscope May 2019, signs

zodiac, horoscope May 2019, signs
Mosaic pavement of a 6th century synagogue at Beth Alpha, Jezreel Valley, northern Israel. It was discovered in 1928. Signs of the zodiac surround the central chariot of the Sun (a Greek motif), while the corners depict the 4 “turning points” (“tekufot”) of the year, solstices and equinoxes, each named for the month in which it occurs. Enjoy this Funny Horoscope May 2019, and please share!


Jennifer Hollie Bowles
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