What’s your sign? Check out your Funny Horoscope June 2019, and the outlook for all those jerks you know — right here!
What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope June 2019. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them, too! (Check out past funny horoscopes here.)
|Aries: Your internal body heat is rising. Please, for your safety, let-off some steam by exercising instead of aggressively masturbating.
|Taurus: You love the outdoors, but watching sports on TV will only increase your risk of heart disease and delusional substitutes.
|Gemini: Happy Birthday, Twins! To celebrate both sides of yourself, be the cake and eat it too!
|Cancer: Silly Crabs, the Moon doesn’t care what on Earth you feel, as long as you’re feeling something.
|Leo: Yes, we know, your outfit says much about who you are, but even retro couture won’t glam-up those highly unattractive sweat rings.
|Virgo: The next time someone thinks they prove you wrong, threaten them with Google Scholar.
|Libra: As everything heats-up, keep in mind that some things just can’t be justified, like child rapists and depression medication that causes suicidal ideation.
|Scorpio: Think your secrets are well hidden? Just remember that Trump’s wig only seems esoteric to other fat balding assholes.
|Sagittarius: Jupiter, the planet of excess, is also the ruling planet of the Archer sign: let that sink in.
|Capricorn: Saturn, the planet of restriction, is also the ruling planet of the Goat sign, and we all really wish that didn’t sink into you so much.
|Aquarius: If you’re not sure what your preferred pronoun is from day to day, please stop displacing your anger and expecting your 83-year-old neighbor lady to figure it out.
|Pisces: You’re as beautifully nebulous as you are disturbingly sensitive: don’t let others manipulate you like a flexed-time government work week.