Horoscopes for Jerks: June 2019

What’s your sign? Check out your Funny Horoscope June 2019, and the outlook for all those jerks you know — right here!

What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope June 2019. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them, too! (Check out past funny horoscopes here.) 

Zodiac_01-Aries, Funny Horoscope June 2019 Aries: Your internal body heat is rising. Please, for your safety, let-off some steam by exercising instead of aggressively masturbating.
Zodiac_02-Taurus, Funny Horoscope June 2019 Taurus: You love the outdoors, but watching sports on TV will only increase your risk of heart disease and delusional substitutes.
Zodiac_03-Gemini, Funny Horoscope June 2019 Gemini:  Happy Birthday, Twins! To celebrate both sides of yourself, be the cake and eat it too!
Zodiac_04-Cancer, Funny Horoscope June 2019 Cancer: Silly Crabs, the Moon doesn’t care what on Earth you feel, as long as you’re feeling something.
Zodiac_05-Leo" Leo: Yes, we know, your outfit says much about who you are, but even retro couture won’t glam-up those highly unattractive sweat rings.
Zodiac_06-Virgo" Virgo: The next time someone thinks they prove you wrong, threaten them with Google Scholar.
Zodiac_07-Libra" Libra: As everything heats-up, keep in mind that some things just can’t be justified, like child rapists and depression medication that causes suicidal ideation.
Zodiac_08-Scorpio Scorpio: Think your secrets are well hidden? Just remember that Trump’s wig only seems esoteric to other fat balding assholes.
Zodiac_09-Sag Sagittarius: Jupiter, the planet of excess, is also the ruling planet of the Archer sign: let that sink in.
Zodiac_10-Cap Capricorn: Saturn, the planet of restriction, is also the ruling planet of the Goat sign, and we all really wish that didn’t sink into you so much.
Zodiac_11-Aquarius Aquarius: If you’re not sure what your preferred pronoun is from day to day, please stop displacing your anger and expecting your 83-year-old neighbor lady to figure it out.
Zodiac_12-Pisces Pisces:  You’re as beautifully nebulous as you are disturbingly sensitive: don’t let others manipulate you like a flexed-time government work week.

zodiac, horoscope June 2019, signs

zodiac, horoscope June 2019, signs
Mosaic pavement of a 6th century synagogue at Beth Alpha, Jezreel Valley, northern Israel. It was discovered in 1928. Signs of the zodiac surround the central chariot of the Sun (a Greek motif), while the corners depict the 4 “turning points” (“tekufot”) of the year, solstices and equinoxes, each named for the month in which it occurs. Enjoy this Funny Horoscope June 2019, and please share!
Jennifer Hollie Bowles
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