Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/27/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Natalie Portman, Moby

Natalie Portman disputes Moby’s claims, saying the two never had a relationship but that he did creepily hit on her

So, in this case, ‘Moby is a Dick.’

‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ to end after a 20-year run

So, people are going to have to do like Trump and become a Millionaire the old-fashioned way… inherit it!

Fabrice Morvan from Milli Vaniilli turned 53 today

… Or did he?

Spice Girls kickoff their world tour in Dublin

So, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want… mostly to get this damn song the hell out of my head. That’s what I want, what I really, really want…

Kellyanne Conway accuses Pelosi of treating her like a ‘maid.’

Don’t know whether she’s upset at being called a maid or worried she’ll get dick pics from Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Taco Bell Is opening a hotel and we cannot wait to book a room

… And check out the plumbing!!!!!

Why Lori Loughlin is reportedly keeping a close eye on Felicity Huffman’s court case

One word: roommate.

JC Penney falls to under a dollar a share

Damn, soon it’ll need to be listed as JC Penneyless.

Trump says he doesn’t do ‘cover ups.’

The Dude’s clearly confused ‘cover ups’ with ‘sit ups!’

Sandusky at Penn State, Doctor at Michigan State women’s gymnastics, and Ohio State wrestling have all been accused of sexual assault

Damn! They should rename it the Big 10 to Life Conference!

Is L.A. one of the happiest cities in USA?

Impossible to tell because of all the Botox.

One of Tucker Carlson’s last sponsors is My Pillow

A product that needs a white pillowcase over it. Coincidence? You decide.

Brit PM Theresa May to step down

Or, as the removal of a Prime Minister is known in the UK ‘Prexit’.

Trump says he’s not talking with Dems until they stop investigating him

How’s that punishing them?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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