Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/29/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson and Brie Larson wore all the infinity stones to ‘Endgame’ premiere

Not to be confused with the Stones that will go on into infinity… Mick and Keith.

Disney Prez Bob Iger earns 65 mil last year

… or, what it costs a family of four for a day at Disneyland… parking not included!

Kim Jung Un went to Russia to see Putin

Damn, how ironic, he’s leaving Trump for a hotter, younger, Eastern European.

Prosecutors will release video that is expected to show Patriots owner Robert Kraft receiving sexual services at a Florida day spa

Now that should be redacted!

Mark Hamill said Luke Skywalker didn’t die a Virgin

Wondering if he lost it with a Streetwalker.

Roy Moore Jr. ahead in polls to be the Republican candidate for Alabama Senate seat

Alabama doesn’t need ICE, it needs Mall security!

Happy 49th Birthday, Melania Trump

And a happy 15th to your cheekbones.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry send ‘Granny’ Queen Elizabeth a sweet birthday message

While Prince Charles does his usual sneak up from behind and says ‘booo!’ greeting!

Did Rupert Murdoch order ‘Fox & Friends’ hosts to cut off Trump’s bizarre 30-minute interview?

Really?  Because I’m not saying Trump is really cozy with ‘FOX and Friends,’ but when he’s on the show it should be called ‘FOX and Friends with Benefits.’

Khloé Kardashian fumes over sister Kourtney on family trip to Bali: ‘She’s So F—ing Selfish’

Weird, because I thought Kardashian was Armenian for ‘She’s So F—ing Selfish.’

Coachella herpes spike: Record 250 cases reported per day near festival

Whoever said what happens at Coachella stays in Coachella was way wrong.

Tesla needs $2.5 billion in fresh capital, says a top analyst

…or the price of like 6 cars.

Ariana Grande gets pelted by a lemon during Coachella set: ‘What the F—?’

I’m shocked, shocked at the arm strength and accuracy of Kate Beckinsale!

H & R Block co-founder passes away at 97

… although family members have been writing him off for years.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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