The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Dick Cheney

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Vice President Dick Cheney.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney. Welcome Mr. Vice President. I hear the old ticker working.

Dick Cheney by DonkeyHotey
Dick Cheney, image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

DICK CHENEY

Yes. An anonymous baboon donor gave me a new heart in 2006. By the way, I’m starved. Got any bananas?

JERRY

Hey, Veep. Why did the monkey like the banana?

CHENEY

I don’t know.

JERRY

Because it had appeal.

CHENEY

Is this Pee-wee’s Playhouse?

JERRY

Close, but no horseshoe. His guests are more intelligent.

CHENEY

I’m highly intelligent, Duncan. President Harry Truman and President Obama are my distant cousins.

JERRY

Don’t forget cousin Satan. He’s largely responsible for getting you life story on the big screen called Vice.

CHENEY

Glad you brought that up. I didn’t like it. Made me look uglier than I really am.

JERRY

You’re 78 years old. You were the 46th Vice President from 2001-2009. Eight years in office, not too shabby.  Here’s the bad news. You had a 13% approval rating when you left. And I heard you were so out of touch that you returned a donut because it had a hole in it.

CHENEY

I was told you tried to make an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

JERRY

Shut up, Darth Vader. You’re so scary, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares.

CHENEY

Hold on. Let me tell you about my achievements, because it will make your head spin.

CHENEY

I was the White House Chief of Staff for President Gerald Ford, Secretary of Defense for President George H.W. Bush, CEO of Halliburton…

JERRY

Let me stop there. You were paid out $34 million when you left Halliburton to join George W. Bush’s presidential campaign in 2000. They were trying to bribe you two if you won the election.

CHENEY

Greed is good. It’s chicken soup for my soul and my soulmate Lynne. We’ve been married for 45 years.

JERRY

You married her to get out of the draft.

CHENEY

I wanted to serve so bad.

JERRY

Sure. Then you got five more deferments.

CHENEY

Someone had to guard the home front while our boys were in Nam.

JERRY

You were an early proponent of the Iraq War, even though there was no proof Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11. You like war, Grinch.

CHENEY

I love war. There isn’t one particular favorite.

JERRY

How do you prepare for battle?

CHENEY

Lynne and I sit in the living room in front of our PlayStation4. I wear a really cool helmet, hunting fatigues and combat boots. It’s war heaven with Bravo Team. I get a hard on I’m so excited.

JERRY

From your wife?

CHENEY

From the game. Intense. Lots of incoming rounds. Rat-tat-tat. Bombs exploding everywhere. Boom, boom There’s nothing like the rush of shooting down enemy aircraft and blowing up bridges, Duncan.

JERRY

Speaking of war. You violated the Geneva Convention by torturing enemy prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

CHENEY

Nothing big. Just a little waterboarding in the kiddie pool.

CHENEY

So what? I tortured myself by agreeing to do your show. What’s worse?

JERRY

Here’s a good one. You shot your buddy Harry Whittington in the face while bird hunting.  What a riot.

CHENEY

I mistook him for a quail. Biggest thing I ever bagged.

JERRY

You were warned before. (imitating Elmer Fudd) “Be vewy, vewy quiet when you’re hunting I-wackies.”

CHENEY

Thank goodness the buckshot was deflected by wads of cash or it could have been worse.

JERRY

That must of aged you beyond years.

CHENEY

Not really. I get a chuckle when I think about it.

JERRY

Is it true you knew Burger King when he was a prince?

CHENEY

We can discuss these things when you go hunting with me. Hee, hee.

JERRY

I would except your breath smells so bad that when you walk by a clock it says “Tic Tac.”

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.