Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/5/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

CPAC flag hugging prez

Trump hugs American flag after walking onstage at CPAC

So, expect him to leave it any day now for a younger, hotter, Eastern European flag.

Beyoncé is offering a lifetime supply of tickets if you go vegan, and people are losing it

… does that mean, if you really want it, putting an onion ring on it?

Robert Kraft paid 79 dollars an hour to Florida Massage Parlor

So, in the last week we’ve gone from El Chapo to El Cheapo!

Trump’s farmer bailout just hit $7.7 billion

No word if the bill arrived in Mexico.

Happy 52nd Birthday. Carrot Top

What can I say besides ‘Props!’

Zookeepers find out how big cats react to cat nip

For the sake of the zookeepers, I hope it didn’t give them the munchies.

Walmart faces backlash for marketing video featuring gay men on a blind date

Yeah, like any gay man would be caught dead in Walmart.

McDonald’s customer arrested for disorderly conduct after having to wait 5 minutes for apple pie

Only thing worse would have been a Big Mac Attack!

Jennifer Lopez reveals she whispered advice to Bradley Cooper before he sang at Oscars

Uh, wear a condom?

‘Dog Park Debbie’ calls the police on man whose puppy mounted her dog

… and, then afterwards, never called or texted!

KellyAnne Conway’s husband George Conway torches ‘sociopath’ Donald Trump in fiery Cohen hearing tweetstorm

Damn, some guys will do anything to sleep on the couch.

Kim Kardashian rocks her most revealing look yet really

…’cause the only thing more revealing than her sex tape is if they released her X-rays!

Man who bought $540 worth of Girl Scout cookies arrested in drug bust

Makes sense, always thought of those Thin Mints as a gateway cookie.

 Michael Cohen: Trump doesn’t want anyone to see his grades, SAT test scores, taxes

… you’d think he was born in Kenya.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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