We’re All Muppets Here

By Will Durst

Not easy being a Muppet. Referring to Greg Smith, formerly of Goldman Sachs, who wrote an op-ed in The New York Times about getting the hell out of Dodge, due to his company’s relentlessly spiraling moral depravity. According to Smith, associates are encouraged to pursue profit above all else, and that includes ripping out the eyeballs of their own billion-dollar clients at the same time they mockingly scorn them as Muppets.

WEB pawn, art by Jacob Sanders
Art by Jacob Sanders (jacobsandersillustration.blogspot.com). Jacob is doing the cover for our 21st Anniversary Issue, out soon!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A complete shocker — big-time brokerage firm with little or no conscience. My God. What next? High school prom parties where beer is served? Charlie Sheen coming to, on the floor of a Vegas hotel after noon? Drive-through food that tastes like hot, damp, glued-together bar coasters? Mitt Romney making his own robocalls?

Romney loves to hype his history as a private equity investment banker, so it’s not difficult to imagine him as another of the sucking pods on a waving tentacle of the vampire squid. Wrapped so tightly in the “Me First,” and “Success at any Cost” culture that he squeaks money when he moves. A sound that surely acts as a predatory mating call.

We’re all Muppets to him. On a daily basis Mr. Bain Capital will say or do whatever he thinks might possibly help on the campaign trail. “Pro-choice, I got your pro-choice. Oh wait, not pro-choice; well, then neither am I.” “What happens in the sanctity of one’s own bedroom is nobody’s business. Oh, Yes It Is!” Surprised every time he’s not photographed wearing one of those whiplash neck braces from the twisting and turning necessary to cover his wide panoply of paradoxical convictions.

Recently, this shape shifter comically sucked up to the South, pretending to like cheesy grits. Mitt, nothing personal, but if ever there were a non-cheesy grits-eating kind of a dude, it’s you. Even while referring to your NASCAR- and NFL-owner buddies, you still don’t have a song in your heart. Probably consider them nothing more than slightly better constructed sock puppets. More realistic button eyes.

That’s it, isn’t it? We’re all annoying obstacles to be overcome in order to better provide for your family. Who would be well advised not to get too comfortable, if there is anything to be learned from the fate of your valiant Irish setter,Seamus. Is that going to be your solution to everything: hose us down?

The Politicrats even have a name for our particular kind of Muppetism; they call us Low-Information Voters. People not paying too close attention. The ones that pretty much believe every ounce of slop our leaders shovel at us while greedy fingers fiddle at our orbital sockets.

Consider the 50 percent of Republicans in Mississippi and 45 percent in Alabama who still believe President Obama is a Muslim. While the hard-of-hearing think he’s muslin, a loosely woven cotton fabric.

Maybe that’s the ultimate goal of Republican kingmakers like the Koch Brothers. Get rid of the messy, unpredictable human element and create their own Muppet mouthpiece. Fold a spool of muslin into a head-shaped ball, stick a hand up it, and have it say exactly what they think we Low-Information Voters, LIVers, want to hear. Or did they already do that and call it… Rush Limbaugh.

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