The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senators Dianne Feinstein & Chuck Grassley

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews California Senator Dianne Feinstein and Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are California Senator Dianne Feinstein and Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley. The oldest Senators in Congress.

Dianne Feinstein by DonkeyHotey
Dianne Feinstein. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning, Senators.

DIANNE FEINSTEIN

Hello.

CHUCK GRASSLEY

Make America great again!

FEINSTEIN

We will. Anybody but Trump.

GRASSEY

Lowest unemployment ever. Appointed two conservative Supreme Court Justices.

FEINSTEIN

Obstructed justice. Gave corporations tax breaks at the expense of the middle class.

GRASSLEY

I wouldn’t know. My memory is getting bad.

FEINSTEIN

How bad is it?

GRASSLEY

How bad is what?

JERRY

Both of you are 86 years old. Why don’t you hang it up and try something new? Senator Grassley, go back to Iowa. I hear they have a shortage of scarecrows.

FEINSTEIN

That’s rude, Duncan. When I retire, I have a part time greeter job at Costco. I know the routine. “Can I see your membership card? Thank you. Depends are in pharmacy.”

JERRY

Hey, Senator Feinstein. Why aren’t there any Costco stores in Afghanistan?

FEINSTEIN

No clue.

JERRY

Because they are all Targets.

GRASSLEY

Duncan, I wear Depends for two reasons. Number one and number two.

FEINSTEIN

Don’t forget number three.

GRASSLEY

I stand corrected.

JERRY

Senator Grassley, you were adamant about confirming Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court in light of the accusations by Christine Blasey Ford that he sexually assaulted her in the 80’s. Why didn’t you believe her?

FEINSTEIN

That’s a no brainer. He’s a sexist. Chuck once said “No woman has served on the Senate Judiciary Committee because the workload is heavy.”

GRASSLEY

A woman’s place is in the home, not politics. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t realize her real first name was Always until it was too late.

JERRY

Senator Feinstein, you have already endorsed Joe Biden for president. Yet Kamala Harris who is also running is your fellow California Senator. I don’t understand.

FEINSTEIN

Because when she was the Attorney General of California, the only thing that grew besides marijuana was the crime rate.

GRASSLEY

Did you know that outside of killings , Chicago has one of the lowest crime rates?

JERRY

You’re losing it, fella. In fact, your wife told me that you have separate names for the cat.

FEINSTEIN

Well, I’m still sane. I’m going to be reintroducing the Federal Assault Weapons Ban that expired in 2004. I’m also co-sponsoring a ban on the sale of E cigarettes to children. I’m doing all this because I read in a medical journal that inactivity can kill you. This should scare the hell out of Congress.

GRASSLEY

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Some poems rhyme,
This one doesn’t.

JERRY

This one rhymes, Gramps:

Roses are read,
Violets are blue,
Onions stink,
And so do you.

GRASSLEY

Respect your elders. I would ask how old you are, but you can’t count that high.

JERRY

You’re so old, your teeth don’t sleep in the same room.

FEINSTEIN

Shouldn’t we end this interview on a high note?

JERRY

You’re right. Let me tell you a short story.

JERRY

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would stay like that.” Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well. Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

FEINSTEIN

Chinese say “Man with forked tongue, not need chopsticks.”

JERRY

You’re a riot, Senator. I booked you at Zanies Comedy Club for a two week gig. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.