The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Utah Republican Senator Orrin Hatch and Iowa Republican Senator Chuck Grassley.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are former Utah Republican Senator Orrin Hatch and Iowa Republican Senator Chuck Grassley. Hello Crusty and Dusty.

Senator Orrin Hatch and Senator Chuck GrassleySENATOR CHUCK GRASSLEY

Mornin.

SENATOR ORRIN HATCH

Howdy.

JERRY

You two fellas are in your 80’s. Isn’t that a little old to be in Congress?

HATCH

It depends.

GRASSLEY

So what if I wear Depends, Orrin.

HATCH

Crank up your hearing aid, Chuck. Nothing wrong with it. I’m almost there myself.

JERRY

Senator Grassley. How can you tell the difference between the front and back of Depends? They’re solid colors.

GRASSLEY

That’s easy. Yellow in the front. Brown in the back.

JERRY

Interesting. What do you call a collection of old underwear?

GRASSLEY

I won’t answer such nonsense.

JERRY

A brief history.

HATCH

Ha, ha. That’s a good one, Duncan.

JERRY

Hatchet man. You were the longest serving Republican in U.S. history. When were you elected to the Senate?

HATCH

1977 when Gerald Ford was president. You know that Ford pardoned President Nixon after he resigned. Right, Duncan?

JERRY

So do you think Pence will pardon Trump after he resigns?

HATCH

Donald Trump is the greatest president since George Washington.

JERRY

Who told you that?

HATCH

He did.

JERRY

Let’s see. Wall Street is tanking, our allies hate us, Putin is the most powerful leader in the world, everyone in the Trumpster’s cabinet has resigned or thinking about resigning.

HATCH

So? We’re going to pot.

GRASSLEY

Nothing wrong with pot. I smoke it all the time. Medicinal purposes you know.

HATCH

I told you to crank up your hearing aid. That’s not the pot I’m talking about.

GRASSLEY

Are you talking about the place where I make poo poo and pee pee?

HATCH

No. Because that’s in your pants.

JERRY

You two mental giants voted many times for tax cuts for the wealthy, encouraged deregulation of our environment protections, you’re big time climate deniers and don’t want healthcare that can help Americans.

HATCH

As my fellow Republican Ron Johnson said. “When I hear politicians talk about restoring faith in government that is the wrong solution.” Republicans like chaos. We’re proud to be Trumpsters on the Titanic. Though we are disgusted about Trump’s past behavior with women. And he doesn’t use protection or Viagra. Right Chuck? Chuck? Crank up your hearing aid!

GRASSLEY

What about Viagra? That’s the only way the wife and I can play horse. I’m a farm boy at heart.

HATCH

I spent too much money on Viagra. Now I’m hard up.

JERRY

Speaking of hard up. You ran into some money problems and gave favorable treatment to the pharmaceutical industry through you lobbyist son.

HATCH

Next question.

JERRY

Ted Kennedy.

GRASSLEY

More people died in Ted Kennedy’s car than a nuclear power plant.

HATCH

He was a dear friend of mine. Ted used to say “A drunk man never tells a lie.”

JERRY

Maybe you two should take up drinking.

GRASSLEY

I drink. Hatch is a Mormon. He can’t have fun.

HATCH

Where did you hear that garbage?

GRASSLEY

I saw The Book Of Mormon.

HATCH

Okay, Mr. Religion expert. If Jesus was Jewish, how come he has a Mexican first name?

GRASSLEY

You old rascal, you got me.

HATCH

I’m not surprised.

JERRY

My old man used to tell me the definition of surprise is a fart with a lump in it.

HATCH and GRASSLEY

Ewww.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.