[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Sacramento Kings Resolve Stiffens: Selling Naming Rights to Viagra

‘This should stimulate some action’ on the Sacramento Kings arena deal, say Maloofs

Just one day after the long negotiations over a new arena for the Sacramento Kings fell through, Kings owners, the Maloof brothers — often referred to as “big dicks” by local fans — announced a bold new strategy to use that reputation to their advantage.

sacramento kings new mascot
The proposed new Sacramento Kings mascot says his photo shoot with the dance team was "quite arousing."

“Simply getting the right company to buy the naming rights could solve all our problems,” said co-owner Joe Maloof, flanked by NBA Commissioner David Stern at a press conference this morning, held at the proposed site for a new arena in downtown Sacramento.

“Pfizer is willing to pay a lot for those rights, as long as they can name the building the ‘Viagra Fieldhouse,’ since they’ve had such a hard time ramming that home anywhere else.”

“In fact,” he added, “one could say they’ve got a real hard-on for this opportunity.”

Whether it’s for renovations for the current arena, called “Power Balance Pavilion,” or for a new arena, the Maloofs are confident the new funding source surging into the Sacramento Kings coffers will provide a “huge release,” representing a climactic event, after years of just “fooling around.”

“There are a lot of benefits to such an arrangement,” offered David Stern, “many unanticipated. For example, I can see just about every sportscaster and writer in the country making boner jokes, and coming up with not-so-subtle asides at every opportunity. Sacramento will be the talk of the sports world! You’re welcome.”

The deal would likely include a redesign of the building. Already being discussed in talks with Pfizer, say the Maloofs, is a concept for the roof to be shaped like a huge blue diamond pill, or perhaps a giant purple & black phallus.

In fact, to make the expensive deal worth it for Pfizer, they are negotiating not just for the naming rights, but also the right to influence just about every aspect of the Sacramento Kings fan experience.

For example, the beloved Kings mascot, Slamson, the royal lion, would be retired. The new mascot would be “King Schlong,” an eight-foot-tall erect purple penis.

Instead of the cheerleaders shooting t-shirts out of cannons into the crowd, purple & black Nerf dildos would be shot out of the tip of King Schlong.

But of course, the cheerleaders would not be left out. Leading up to the climactic ejaculation of Nerf dildos, a sad, bent-over King Schlong mascot would be lovingly fed a blue pill. The dance team would then perform erotic, rhythmic movements around him, and as the dancers do their thing — well, you get the idea.

“Sure, it feels like we’re whoring ourselves out here, but we’ve tried everything else,” said Joe Maloof, “we’re trying to service the community as best we can.”

Asked whether the new dance team routines should be R-rated, excluding minors from the arena, Mr. Maloof replied, “Don’t be silly. Don’t you watch TV these days? Have you seen the erectile dysfunction commercials? The racy shows targeted to teens? Or how about the video games the kids play? I mean, c’mon — this will be quite tame by comparison.”

“We’ll keep it G-rated,” he assured reporters at the scene. “For example, we’ve already ruled out having the women’s dance team strap on giant dildos and waving them around, and instead they’ll just do a dance formation in the shape of a giant phallus, moving to the strains of Aerosmith’s ‘Big Ten Inch’ — much subtler.”

[Thanks to Jackson Griffith for the inspiration for this article.]

James Israel
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