Angrier Birds: The Republican Primary Race

By Will Durst

Some small-minded pundits are guaranteed to grouchily opine this is neither the time nor the place to be re-circulating unfounded conspiracy theories. Then again, mightn’t it be more imprudent to ignore the latest rumors and dark mutterings concerning something as important as the nomination of a presidential candidate? Of course we’re talking about the uncanny similarities between the 2012 Republican primary race and a game of “Angry Birds.”

The skeptical amongst you will be tempted to dismiss this subject as the lunatic ravings of a recently returned passenger from an extended trans-Canadian vacation on the bourbon train, but there is more here than meets the eye. First off: You’d have to be a hermit living in the darkest recesses of a Sonoran desert zinc mine not to be aware of the popular multi-platform phenomenon that is “Angry Birds.” And how many are aware of the 2012 Republican primary race? Well, perhaps not as many, but still way up there.

Angry birds - Republican primary raceThe two activities share several basic characteristics: both are infuriatingly frustrating, defy physics and logic as we know them, and can instantly turn into terminally addictive pastimes that many experts consider a leading cause to loss of both sanity and productivity in America today.

The object of “Angry Birds” is to use a slingshot to fling various flightless birds at flimsy houses built by egg-thieving green pigs. The object of the 2012 Republican primary race is, well, pretty much the same thing: to toss accusations and blame at the White House in order to steal independents from the Democrats. All while emitting unintelligible screeches, squeals and shrieks.

Each angry bird possesses unique powers and skills. As do the Republican candidates. The weakest bird is a little red one that squawks a lot but doesn’t affect much of anything. That, of course, would be Ron Paul. Another bird in your arsenal is the yellow one that can break through load-bearing walls. Obviously, Herman Cain. There’s the weird green bird that has sort of a boomerang action, aping almost perfectly the parabolic arc that is Donald Trump’s coif.

Can’t forget the big, lumpy white bird that drops exploding eggs, which would be — who else — Michele Bachmann. And the little, blue bird that splits into three little, blue birds at the touch of the screen? Got to be the Texas king of multiple personalities known for disintegrating on television, Rick Perry.

There’s a big, red bird with all the subtlety of a of a broken rock formation whose only ability is to knock down everything unlucky enough to be in its path. Newt Gingrich, right? Bet you had that one. And the bird that is not a bird at all, but more of a bomb with an extremely short fuse, which could not be confused with anybody other than Rick Santorum.

And finally, in both instances, when you can’t win using strategy and skill, you’re allowed to cheat, legally. In the game “Angry Birds,” for the right price you can utilize a feature called “Mighty Eagle.” This special-order bird pummels your intended target to bits, but you have to pay a little extra. Exactly like how Mitt Romney won Florida and Michigan and Wisconsin. Next week, we’ll investigate the eerie resemblance between the Supreme Court and “Doodle Jump.”

Every Tuesday — Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. This Saturday, April 14 — Town Hall Theatre Company. Lafayette, Calif.

Will Durst
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