Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/10/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

airports

President Trump said Revolutionary War troops ‘took over the airports’ in his 4th of July speech

In fairness, Paul Revere did say: “One if by land, two if by sea, three if by direct flight from Heathrow to LaGuardia.”

US Women win World Cup 2-0

To translate that into American Football that would be 137-0.

Ten cities are reportedly waiting for the Trump campaign to pay $841,000 in rally bills

… get out that damn check book, right now, Mexico.

Spectacular fireworks display in D.C.

And, that was just over breakfast at Kellyanne and George Conway’s place.

6.6 Earthquake rocks SoCal

Although the Russian judge only gave it a 4.3.

Happy 44th Birthday, 50 Cent

With inflation you should at least be 83 Cent.

Bill O’Reilly against reparations

He believes people need to make money the old-fashioned way… by suing him for sexual harassment.

All-time record heat wave hits Alaska

Damn, now we’re talking baked Alaska!

Honey Boo Boo is allegedly blocking Mama June from accessing her money

That would make Mama June ‘Money Sue Sue.’

Trump doesn’t think Roy Moore Jr. should run for Alabama Senate seat

… but probably would be ok with him running for Prom King.

E-cigarettes linked to higher risk of stroke, heart attack, diseased arteries and cancer

Yeah, but besides that …?

Donald Trump Jr questioned Kamala Harris’s ethnicity

Unfortunately for him there’s no question about his heredity.

Chris Martin spotted kissing Dua Lipa backstage at music festival 2 weeks after Dakota Johnson split

Martin’s going to have to change the name of his band to Cold Playa.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders planning to write book about her time in White House

She should call it ‘Catch Her in a Lie!’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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