Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

dr oz, dr phil, dr drew — Dr Oz, Dr Phil and Dr Drew talking nonsense? So what else is new?

Dr Oz, Dr Phil and Dr Drew talking crazy about the coronavirus

…we’d be better off “paging Dr Moe, paging Dr Larry, paging Dr Curly!”

Jennifer Lopez rocked a sheer tunic and tiny white bikini for Easter Sunday

So, she did nothing special.

Sanders endorsed Biden

Although, in the middle of it, both had to get up to go pee.

Bill O’Reilly: Those dying from coronavirus “were on their last legs anyway”

Dude better hope no one sneezes on his career.

Celebrities under fire for posting self-quarantine selfies while in their mansions

Hey, celebrities, some advice: “Stop posting those pics from your mansions, it’s like an episode of ‘Casing the Homes of the Rich and Famous.’”

Major League Baseball has no firm date to start 2020 season

And, even though they haven’t even started playing, the Florida Marlins were just mathematically eliminated

Feds considering issuing Americans certificates of immunity from the coronavirus

It’s official! We’ve gone from ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ to ‘Survivor!’

Tom Schwartz apologizes for calling wife Katie Maloney “Gross”: “I was way out of line”

Where did he say this? On an all new episode of ‘Who the hell are these people?’

Brad Pitt got emotional while renovating a friend’s home with ‘The Property Brothers’

Let’s see how happy they are when Brad drops off all his kids for a barbecue!

Trio of suspected thieves caught in “heinous toilet paper caper”

It’s gotten so bad, my neighbor’s house got TP’d, and it doubled in value.

McDonald’s and Capitol One pulled their sponsorships of Kyle Larson’s NASCAR team because he used the N-word

I’m betting he’ll probably be able to replace them with the ‘My Pillow Guy’ and ‘Really, Really White Castle!’

CDC says no group meetings over 10 people

Or. as Trump calls it, an inaugural.

Val Kilmer says he has not had a girlfriend in 20 years: “I am lonely part of everyday”

And, he revised The Doors song to ‘21st Century Foxless.’

Report: Coronavirus showed up in NY from Europe not Asia without proper screening

… Hmmm, kinda like Melania …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)