The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Act 1, Pages 10-15

The play’s run in New York City may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all here! Today, we present Act 1, Pages 10-15.

Jerry moves over to the studio. A silhouette of Senator Bernie Sanders is behind the screen.

Jerry Duncan Show play
Jerry Duncan Show logo.

Scene 4   Radio Station

ANNOUNCER

From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

The intern pumps Jerry up by shaking his shoulders. Jerry throws fake punches. The intern hands him the microphone.

JERRY

Welcome to the show everyone. Is it a good morning?

INTERN

Yes, it is.

JERRY

Today on the show, my guest is the Independent Senator from Vermont Bernie Sanders. Let’s get to it.

Jerry walks behind the screen.

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

Bernie for 2020. What’s this nonsense about live from under a rock? I almost didn’t make it. Thank goodness I found an earthworm that knew which rock you were under.

JERRY

You look hot and sweaty. Can I get you something to drink?

SANDERS

Got an egg cream?

JERRY

A what?

SANDERS

Forget it. It’s a New York thing.

JERRY

Let’s talk about the 2016 election. You almost won the Democratic nomination.

SANDERS

I should have won. Hillary had all those super delegates before the campaign began. It was rigged. It was definitely rigged. Give America back to the people.

JERRY

But you ended up winning 23 states in the primary. Wisconsin, Michigan….

SANDERS

Washington, Oregon, West Virginia and so forth. Nobody thought I’d win anything. I had larger crowds in Seattle in one day than the Mariners had all season.

JERRY

That team sucks.

SANDERS

28,000 people in Selma, Alabama. Speaking of Alabama, I have a couple of jokes.

JERRY

Okay.

SANDERS

Why couldn’t the baby Jesus be born in Alabama?

JERRY

I don’t know.

SANDERS

Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

Both are laughing.

SANDERS

Here’s another one. Why are rectal thermometers banned in Alabama?

JERRY

Got me.

SANDERS

They cause too much brain damage.

JERRY

You should be doing weekends at The Comedy Store.

SANDERS

Better yet. I should be the star of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I look more like Larry David than he does.

JERRY

Let’s go over your record. You served longer than any person in Congress–27 years.

SANDERS

True.

JERRY

You were elected to the House of Representatives in 1990 and the Senate in 2006. You are a progressive voice for healthcare, campaign finance reform and climate change.

SANDERS

Let me stop you at climate change. Donald Trump and the Republicans are climate deniers. Yet 97% of scientists say it’s a fact. There’s so little sea ice left in the Arctic that polar bears are hitchhiking to Minnesota to find an ice cube. Can you imagine?

JERRY

You were a carpenter after college. Is that true?

SANDERS

Yes. I built an ark that sailed in the Atlantic for 40 days and 40 nights. Some putz named Noah ripped me off. Two of everything were on board…lions, elephants, cows, Republicans, Democrats, Independents. We ran out of food, so I had to turn back to New York.

JERRY

What happened to the ark?

SANDERS

It’s a ship in the Bangladesh Navy.

JERRY

Are you running for president again? You’re up in age.

SANDERS

Excuse me. I’m 78 years young and will be the next president of the United States. I promise every American a quart of Ben and Jerry’s Bernie’s Yearning ice cream.

JERRY

That’s fattening. A half cup is 250 calories.

SANDERS

Calories, shmalories. My motto is “Eat today, wear it tomorrow.”

JERRY

Words of wisdom from the man who knew Abe Lincoln.

SANDERS

No, no. Let me make it perfectly clear. It’s my Uncle Abe and he made a delicious chicken soup.

SANDERS

Bernie in 2020.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

Jerry exits the screen.

INTERN

Okay. That’s a wrap for today everybody.

JERRY

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Where’s my beer?

INTERN

I’ll get it.

JERRY

Everybody’s gotta believe in something. And I believe in more beer.

Jerry moves over to his apartment.

Scene 5  Jerry’s Apartment

Jerry sits in his chair holding a beer can. Maggie enters.

MAGGIE

Oh, no you won’t!

JERRY

Mother?! You’re the reason I drink. I want to drown my sorrows.

MAGGIE

This will make you feel good. Last Saturday night, I was at the annual Angel Ball.

JERRY

How long will this take?

MAGGIE

Stop it. I’m trying to tell the story. Why? Are you going somewhere?

JERRY

I’m going crazy.

MAGGIE

So low and behold. Who do you think I ran into?

JERRY

Bob Dole?

MAGGIE

He’s alive, you idiot.

JERRY

Oops.

MAGGIE

No. My friends that bragged about their sons. The doctor, lawyer and accountant.

JERRY

I turned out to be just as successful.

MAGGIE

More successful.

JERRY

What?

MAGGIE

The doctor went to prison for prescribing illegal drugs. The lawyer got disbarred for embezzlement and the accountant went to jail for tax evasion. Does it get any better?

They both laugh in unison.

JERRY AND MAGGIE

Bahaha, bahaha. Boo hoo hoo, boo hoo hoo.

MAGGIE

Your mother loves you. Always remember that, son. Now about finding a nice girl to settle down with.

JERRY

Not this again.

MAGGIE

Mrs. Anderson has a niece that’s single. Never been married. Very pretty face.

JERRY

Translation. Chubby and desperate.

MAGGIE

Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?

JERRY

Guys don’t have to be good looking, as long as they have money. Alright, mother. I have a show to do.

TO BE CONTINUED

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