Ted Nugent, Charlie Sheen & Andre Breivik Kick Off ‘Three Maniacs’ Tour

Ted Nugent, the Detroit ‘Motorcity Madman’ (in so many ways more than the original intent), Charlie Sheen, the ‘Platoon Psycho’ and Andre Breivik, the Norwegian extreme right wing mass murderer, will be kicking of their ‘Kick You In The Teeth’ Three Maniacs tour of the U.S., Mexico and Europe soon. Canada was also to be in their route, but demands first that all three have their shots, have the proper paper work and wear muzzles the entire time they are there.

They will be appearing in Mexico at the request of the Mexican government in the hope that they will scare the drug cartels into hiding. In Europe they will only be playing in Belarus, the last dictatorship left on the continent, and in Russia which has reinstated Czarism with the so called ‘reelection’ of Vladimir Putin; both countries are the only willing voyeurs in the Continent for the sort of entertainment that these three can provide.

The tour has apparently already sold out several venues in the ‘Redneck Belt’ of southern and western parts of the United States. The NRA, the KKK, FOX News, several low quality beer companies, pickup truck manufacturers and numerous meth dealers have signed up as sponsors of the show as well as the entire cocaine cartel of Colombia, who will also be supplying the stars. Alabama, Kentucky and Mississippi are declaring holidays named “Good Ol’ Boys Days’ and ‘Setin’ the Cuntry Rite’ (wrong spelling not intentional) in their honor. Rotgut Mississippi will be having a ‘Wear A White Sheet Party’ after the show (and we don’t believe it means a toga).

The three will put on a fabulous show, illuminating highlights of their lives: Breivik will relate humorous scenes from his childhood of vandalism and lovingly retell the story of the first time he pummeled the crap out of a foreigner in his lily white country of Norway. Ted Nugent will tell tales of his big game hunting adventures including having to bite the head off a bear that wasn’t quite as shot as he thought it was and he had to go mano a bear-o with him. He will also relate his hilarious account of the argument and fistfight he got into with his taxidermist the first time he brought in a Negro he’d shot to have stuffed. Charlie Sheen you are already familiar with. (You KNOW what he is capable of!)

Because of their own lack of any real creative talent, they will be borrowing acts made famous by other shock performers. Sheen will be biting the heads off bats Ozzy Osbourne style while Ted Nugent will channel Alice Cooper by having a live hanging on the stage, except that instead of himself being hung it will be a random racial minority from the audience receiving the honors. Be prepared to laugh your head off with these wild and crazy guys if they don’t tear it off for you before the end of the show!

Advance tickets are on sale at your local strip and bookie joints or from shady characters milling around the entrance the night of the show. Prices are $120 for the event or trades for high impact weaponry and cases of Mad Dog wine can be worked out.

News Update: A couple of theaters have canceled the show because city officials are afraid of the audience getting shot by the performers should there be any negative response to them during the show. This is feared since it is well known that all three maniacs are proficient with semi and fully automatic riflery. The cities of Birmingham, Alabama, Charleston, North Carolina and Jacksonville, Florida are also concerned about outbreaks of rabies from not only the three men performing but from some of their more ‘rabid’ fans as well.

Also Robert Bales, the US Army soldier who murdered 17 Afghans in their sleep might be joining the show in which case the name will be changed to ‘Three And A Half Maniacs.’

In related news, the new Three Stooges movie is now in cinemas.

Roger Freed