Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Biden picks Kamala Harris for Veep

Paging Maya Rudolph. Paging Maya Rudolph. Paging Maya Rudolph.

Big Ten cancels football season by overwhelming 12-2 vote

So, shouldn’t that be Big 14… guess math isn’t their best thing…

Harry Styles’ ‘Watermelon Sugar’ surges to top of Billboard Hot 100

… and the list of causes for diabetes and hypertension.

Trump says the “1917 pandemic” ended the Second World War

Worst. Jeopardy. Contestant. Ever.

These 33 countries have banned U.S travelers

Americans are banned from so many countries – soon they’ll be denied service at ‘The International House of Pancakes.’

Goya CEO’s cozying up to Trump may have backfired, study shows

They said backfired about a company that sells beans. Tee. Hee. Hee.

Russia’s top doctor quits over ‘gross violations’ of ethics that rushed through Covid-19 ‘vaccine’

Although, it’s not official until he falls out of a window.

Herman Cain tweets 2 weeks after death, slams Joe Biden and Kamala Harris

You’d think if Herman Cain tweeted from the grave it would be for someone to send him a f%&king mask.

Tiger seized in Mexico after being lassoed

Now that’s a tough golf course!

Trump stokes ‘birther’ conspiracy theory about Kamala Harris

At this point, it’s hard to tell which of Kamala Harris’s ethnic backgrounds Trump wants to ban from the country the most.

Peter Navarro floats the claim that “Hydroxychloroquine works better than Remdesivir”

Only as a Spelling Bee word…

Trump wants white suburban housewives to be afraid of Corey Booker

Really? Has he looked at Senator Booker… if Corey shows up, their husbands are the ones who should be nervous.

Sweltering heat wave bakes the West

It was so hot… how hot was it? It was so hot, I saw a rotisserie chicken fly by window.

The U.S. Senate goes on recess

… when where they should be going is detention …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)