There’s a Saint for That

The Creator is very busy these days, so some petitions are just falling through the cracks. Try petitioning a saint.

The world has become a very crazy place. To cope with all the lunacy many people turn to alcohol. It helps. But a large number of Americans turn to prayer. A recent poll found that 48% of us pray every day and 31% ask the Lord for help several times a day. Even non-believers seek God in a crisis or when the lottery payout gets really, really big. A quarter of the people surveyed said that The Almighty answers them all the time while 58% believe that he does most of the time or at least some of the time. The Lord often responds to my prayers, but the answer is usually NO.

saint anthony
Smart kid petitioning Saint Anthony.

Our Creator is very busy these days so maybe some petitions are just falling through the cracks.

Fortunately there is a way to improve the odds of getting your request granted. You can ask a saint in Heaven to intervene on your behalf. It’s like having someone on the inside. Think of it as having your own lobbyist in the Hereafter. They are closer to God so their prayers are more powerful. They can step in and ask the Lord to help you with your various needs in accordance with his will. In accordance with his will! That’s the sticking point and where my NO usually comes in.

It can be tricky choosing a saint though. There are more than 10,000 of these holy beings registered in Heaven. More are joining the team all the time while some are being dropped. It’s important to pick the one that will be most interested in championing your cause. That would be your patron saint. A patron saint is a heavenly advocate of a place, a group of people or a situation.

There are patron saints for countries, teachers, doctors, funeral directors, pastry chefs, pawn brokers, earaches, desperate situations, etc. You name it and there is a saint for it. Typically they become a patron saint of something because during their life time they had some connection to the place, group or situation.

For instance, St. Joseph is the patron saint of fathers, because he was Jesus’ dad while St. Matthew is the patron saint of accountants, either because he was a tax collector on Earth or because he was very dull. Actually, he was a barrel of fun compared to St. Bonaventure the patron saint of bowel disorders.
Unfortunately it doesn’t seem that the responsibilities of God’s gracious lieutenants have ever been updated to reflect the changing times. I say this because there are still seven looking out for shepherds. These days some on the holy team are, no doubt, being prayed to more than others.

Here are some of the more notable saints whose assistance you may NOT want to seek out because of their workload or because they don’t seem to be very effective:

St. Anthony is the patron saint of those seeking lost items and women seeking husbands. He has a lot on his plate. People are always losing their cell phones, reading glasses or remote controls (aka clickers). Millions of times each day he must hear the chant:

Tony, Tony look around
Something’s lost
And must be found!

They could relieve some of this beatified soul’s workload by shifting the role of helping women seeking husbands to St. Roch the patron saint of bachelors. The benefits of merging those responsibilities would be huge. In the meantime, he may be too busy to assist you on a timely basis. Try Archangel Chamuel who fulfills a role similar to St. Anthony.

St. Cajetan is another busy guy who, surprisingly, is the only advocate for the prayers of gamblers. There is another saint associated with gambling, St. Camillus of Lellis. But this fun sucker is the patron saint of those OPPOSED to gambling. St. Cajetan may also be too busy to answer your prayers especially during the World Cup or when the lottery payout approaches $500 million. And at the moment he seems to be working full time advocating for the professional gambler and Jeopardy phenomenon, James Holzhauer. For most of my gambling bets I end up praying to St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.

St. Christopher is the protector of travelers and one of the most called upon saints. But he has been demoted as it is questionable as to whether he ever even existed. So who do you pray to in heavy turbulence? Well, fortunately there are a couple of other glorified souls who you can ask to protect you during your dangerous journeys including St. Bona of Pisa. It’s too bad about St. Christopher though, he had always been my go to guy.

St. Isadore of Seville is the only patron saint of computers and technology. But he was born 1500 years before Al Gore invented the internet. Technology has changed considerably since his time on Earth so I wonder if he has kept up. Praying to him about your computer problems may not be very useful. You’re better off just asking your kids for help.

St. Genevieve is the patron saint of Paris and disasters. I don’t want to cast aspersions, but after the 2016 presidential election and the recent Notre Dame fire, I’m not sure she is doing her job. Instead I would pick, well, any other saint.

In the end, if you can’t decide who to pray to there is always St. Brigit, an Irish saint who, according to a persistent legend, could transform her bath water into beer for visiting clerics. She might not be able to solve your problem, but if she can turn your bathwater into beer you’re likely to forget all about your troubles. In the morning you can call upon St. Bibiana, the patron saint of hangovers.

Good luck finding your advocate in Heaven and don’t stop praying. The 2020 election is just around the corner.

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John C. Wade

John C. Wade

John C. Wade is a retired Chief Financial Officer from Missouri. He has had humor articles published in the Humor Times, USA Today, The Journal of Irreproducible Results and Unhinged Magazine, which is now defunct (not his fault).
John C. Wade

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