The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Judge Jeanine Pirro

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews Fox television host Judge Jeanine Pirro.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Fox television host Judge Jeanine “Road Flare” Pirro.

JERRY

Good morning, Judge.

Judge Jeanine PirroJEANINE PIRRO

What’s with the “Road Flare” shtick?

JERRY

You’re a hot head.

PIRRO

I am not! People at Fox say I’m very nice. Just ask Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson. Would they lie?

JERRY

You’re mean. So mean that I was looking up the definition for “bitch” and found your name.

PIRRO

Well. You’re so mean that the devil gave back your soul.

JERRY

Speaking of the devil. Judges like you can be bribed. Do you know how the blonde lawyer swayed the judge?

PIRRO

Is this a joke?

JERRY

I’m serious.

PIRRO

How?

JERRY

She dropped her briefs.

PIRRO

You punked me! I’m gonna crack your skull open with my gavel, Duncan.

JERRY

Let’s talk politics. You’re a Trumpster and anti-Democrat. You ran for New York Attorney General in 2006 and lost to Andrew Cuomo. The truth is that you really wanted to be Senator, but dropped out when you realized Hillary Clinton would easily win.

PIRRO

Liar, liar pants on fire. Did you hear about the Democratic Primary? The DNC helped Hillary Kitten catch Birdie Sanders.

JERRY

You’re a riot. That’s almost as funny as when your real estate lawyer husband Albert Pirro went to jail for 29 months on 4 counts of tax evasion and 28 counts of filing false tax returns. He hid $1 million dollars in personal income tax for 11 years.

PIRRO

I had no idea what was happening. I was too busy on eharmony.

JERRY

While the cat is away, the mice will play.

PIRRO

Yeah. I divorced the schmuck and got back in the dating scene. Every time a woman turns 50, a cougar is born.

JERRY

You got some young studs and a TV show. Pretty good.

PIRRO

You bet. The Judge Jeanine Pirro Show in 2008 and my current show Justice With Judge Jeanine.

JERRY

But own it, you’re a Judge Judy rip off.

The studio door slams shut. Whoopi Goldberg enters making a scene.

WHOOPI

That woman is a monster!

PIRRO

Who invited you here?

JERRY

I did.

WHOOPI

Yo, Judge. You wouldn’t take my calls when I tried to apologize for kicking you off The View.

PIRRO

Nobody tells their guest to “get the f out of the building.” I was on your show to promote my new book about liberals.

WHOOPI

You said Trump was chosen to protect us. It pissed me off.

PIRRO

Trump is protecting America. Jeff Sessions is the most dangerous man in the world, there is a deep state controlling our country, wearing Spanx sucks oxygen out of the brain, and every woman should own a gun to defend themselves.

WHOOPI

Hey, girlfriend. We would have gun control if Trump’s mother had used birth control.

PIRRO

You’re disgusting. People magazine took a picture of you last summer and it’s still printing.

JERRY

(blows a whistle) Time out, ladies. I want you to make peace.

WHOOPI

No way.

PIRRO

Jose.

WHOOPI

You’re prejudice!

PIRRO

I’m patriotic. (sings The Star Spangled Banner) Jose! can you see by the dawn’s early light, what so proudly we hailed…

WHOOPI

Get the f out of the building, Judge!

PIRRO

(yells) You’re so ugly, even Ripley won’t believe it!

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.