[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Koch Brothers’ Big Move: Attempting to Buy Way into Heaven

By pulling their considerable campaign donation sums, and putting it into orphanages, the Koch brothers hope to restart their own, heavenly, campaigns.

Charles and David Koch made an astounding 360 today when they announced that they would pull all their money out of the 2016 elections, and instead fund every orphanage around the world, “to make sure all children living in abject poverty have a better life from the ground up.”

koch brothers stoned brothersBackers of Americans for Prosperity, an ultra-conservative political advocacy group touted as the most influential in history, the Koch Brothers have built a political empire backing whomever comes closest to their ideals for a country where taxes for the rich are low, government plays a minimal part in our ordinary lives (more on that and marijuana reform in a moment), and where Christian values come first.

It is that last part that made the Koch Brothers change course in a big way.

“David and I were praying before our private altar in our office the other day and suddenly the room lit up,” said Charles Koch.

“It was an eerie light, but brighter than any I’d ever seen. We thought maybe we’d gotten our wish and the electric companies around the world were using more coal or something,” he said.

“But then, a figure appeared directly in front of our altar, and I have to say I was impressed, cause our altar is pretty large.”

He paused and asked “Charles weren’t you pretty impressed?” to which Charles replied, “what word rhymes with Trump? Hump, Bump, Grump, Lump, Schlong…no no no Dump…” sounding eerily like Ted Cruz at one of his stump speeches.

“Anyway,” said David, “we, mainly me, cause I now own 52% of our overall stock, but that’s another story,” he smiled wryly…”anyway, like I was saying kids. Yes, no, heaven, yes heaven. I thought we were dying and going to heaven when the large apparition spoke to me. Roughly, this is the gist of our exchange:

Apparition: David, we aren’t the least bit pleased with the way you’ve been handling the fortune we threw your way lo these many years ago.

Me: I didn’t know spirits actually spoke like that.

Apparition: You must repent or Ted Cruz won’t be elected President in the next election, for whosoever sayeth it shall sprayeth it.

Me: (wondering if this was a real apparition or Barry “Bonehead” Whiddley from 7th grade) but I wasn’t taking any chances, so I asked, What then, oh great holy spirit, must we do to get back our power?

Apparition: You must change course and become good men by gathering all the children to your flock…something, something…Children are like lambs, men like wolves, and the wolves shall perish where the children once stood.

“And then poof! the apparition disappeared,” said David.

“I’m not sure I understood that last part, but by then the bowl was getting pretty low and Charles was bogarting.”

To be continued…

P. Beckert