Fib-bit

Fib-bit and other fitness tools offered for the current administration

We’re The White House Exercise Equipment Company and we’re here to meet all the fitness needs of the current administration. Check out our lineup of topflight equipment:

Coreflex

Feeling hemmed in by some outmoded restrictive set of core principles? Get Coreflex and in a few short weeks of use, you’ll become ethically unrestrained. Coreflex is the multi-functional trainer that removes unwanted ethical restrictions and allows you the flexibility and freedom to violate any moral tenet you choose. Whether it’s a simple conventional norm or an actual statutory prohibition, Coreflex will prepare you to perform above, beyond and outside the law.

fib-bit fitnessFib-bit

Fib-bit is the latest in digital self-monitoring activity trackers. Wear it on your wrist and it will constantly monitor your lies and give you a running total. Afraid that your mendacity level is falling off? Let Fib-bit motivate you to maximize your lying potential. Rumor has it that one White House resident’s Fib-bit has already tallied more than 10,000 lies in the last two years.

Spinning News Cycle

For the best in aerobic performance, choose the all new Spinning News Cycle. Whether you’re a Presidential advisor or the White House press secretary, you need the lung capacity to withstand unending inquiries from the White House press corps and the ability to spin any troublesome fact situation to your advantage. If you act now, we’ll include the Position Pivot, a device that helps you quickly pivot from any uncomfortable position to one of your opponent’s superficially similar perspectives.

HairMaster

It’s seldom easy to prostrate yourself before a hair-challenged boss but HairMaster helps you assume any number of submissive stances. Learn to divest yourself of such troubling character traits as honesty, civility and self-respect in order to better serve your personal hair master. Comes in a variety of shades of orange.

Wait Barr

Some Administration officials tend to concentrate only on aerobic exercise in order to acquire the stamina to outtalk their adversaries. But as any good political trainer will tell you, an all-around exercise regimen should also include wait training. Thanks to the expertise of one William Barr, you, too, can learn how to make Democratic legislators wait for your compliance with any information requests or subpoenas. And every set of Barr brand waits also comes with its own Specious Summary Creator to help you mold and sculpt your own version of the facts.

Home Jim

Oftentimes it’s too difficult or too expensive to acquire all the exercise equipment necessary to keep yourself in tip top political shape. That’s when you need some outside assistance in the form of our Home Jim. Home Jim comprises several right-wing Republicans named Jim who can provide you with the outside support and motivation to keep pursuing your crazy agenda even when you feel you want to quit. Choose from our current slate of Jims including Representative Jim Jordan, retired Senator Jim DeMint, former Defense Secretary Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis and the ever-popular Jim Crow.

Order today from The White House Exercise Equipment Company and you can pay for any of our devices in four easy installments, the last of which will be due on or before November 3, 2020. And if you act now, we’ll even throw in absolutely free a red MAGA hat, a golf scorecard with a permanent 3 handicap and a gold-embossed copy of the Fifth Amendment to help ensure you pursue your exercise routine in a non-prison setting.

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David Martin
David is a writer of political satire and short humor and his work has appeared in most major North American newspapers, including the New York Times, the Washington Post and the Chicago Tribune. He has also been published in various magazines including Newsweek, Smithsonian Magazine and Funny Times.