[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Biggest Moon This Year May Cause Record Drunkenness on Cinco de Mayo

A new warning from the Astronomers Sociological Studies (ASS) group is being circulated around college campuses nationwide advising that this month’s full moon on May 5th may have a stronger gravitational pull than any in past months. An ASS member claims this could have a detrimental effect on one of the biggest drinking holidays of the year, Cinco de Mayo.

Cinco de Mayo partier
Gamma Gamma Ray Out for the Night

“The gravitational pull of the moon will be slightly higher on Saturday,” said Selena Logista, a volunteer astronomer at the Fred Lawrence Whipple Observatory in Arizona. “This suggests that a certain heavy-handedness by bartenders pouring drinks will prevail at bars and lounges across America hosting Cinco de Mayo celebrations.”

Alcohol-related arrests are expected to be higher than normal according to the study. Ironically, past studies indicate that the number one charge against students during a “super moon” is drunk and indecent behavior, including mooning the authorities making the arrest. It is for this reason that some campuses are urging students to hold off their Cinco de Mayo celebrations until well after the full moon wanes or at least wear clothing that prohibits easy removal.

According to The Bartender’s Guide to Getting Your Guests Hooched Up and Happy, an ordinary margarita contains approximately 79% alcohol and 21% lime juice. While that may sound like a lot of alcohol, the average drink is usually around 3-4 ounces tops, and the average college student will get sick from the sweetness of the triple sec long before they get drunk, causing them to throw up and call it a night long before actually over-indulging.

However, a group of astronomers held their own pre-Cinco de Mayo celebration, calculating the moon’s gravitational pull on a normal night and that of the “super moon” and preparing their margaritas to match that pull. The scientists found they got drunker faster using the super moon calculations—35% more drunk to be exact.

Unfortunately, some of the research had to be scrapped due to entries such as “once the waxing gluteus maximus reaches full luminosity…” and other highly irregular references to the moon.

The bottom line is this: ASS warns students that if they do intend to celebrate Cinco de Mayo on Saturday, don’t expect to remember much of it come Sunday morning and by all means, avoid the Moon Shots.

P. Beckert