Ask Gabby Peter-Sploot, Sex Expert

Roz Warren, Ask Gabby Peter-Sploot, Sex Expert

DEAR GABBY: I figured I needed to take this to a sex expert like you. My wife wants me to boink her with a banana, then bake it into a banana crème pie and throw it at her. Is this unusual?
DEAR BANANA BOY: Not at all. “Fruit play” is an integral part of the sex life of most happy couples.

DEAR GABBY: I’m happily married, yet I fantasize about Brad Pitt during sex. What’s wrong with me?
DEAR SOMETHING: Not to worry — EVERYONE fantasizes about Brad Pitt during sex. If you fantasized about Glen Beck, I’d be concerned.

DEAR GABBY: During sex my boyfriend wants me to cry “Baste my booty with your hot love spatula!“ I want to please him, but whenever I utter this phrase I crack up, and the mood is ruined. What can I do?
DEAR BOOTY: Men often want their partners to say ridiculous things during sex. It’s best to nip this kind of behavior in the bud with a simple “Don’t be daft.”

DEAR GABBY: I’m a 28 year old gay man. My boyfriend is a bassoonist who calls his penis “Brahms.” My last boyfriend, a librarian, called his cock “Dewey.” My first lover, an English professor, called his penis “Dickens.“ I’ve never nicknamed my cock! Is there something wrong with me?
DEAR ABNORMAL: I should certainly think so! Better slap a nickname on your schlong right away. Might I suggest: “Sigmund Freud” “Mr. Grumpy” “Beowulf” or “Mitt Romney?”

DEAR GABBY: I’m a straight menopausal woman who can only achieve orgasm with folksingers. I’ve tried lawyers, firemen and poets but no dice. Is something wrong with me?
DEAR SINGER LOVER: Not at all. Most menopausal women need at least one folksinger to achieve orgasm. A lucky few can make do with a jazz trumpeter, but you, alas, aren’t one of them. On your first date with a banker, try taking him to a folk club on “open mike” night, get him wasted, then push him onstage and promise him a night of wild passion if he sings “Blowing in the Wind.” It’s so crazy it just might work.

DEAR GABBY: I’m a bad boy. I need to be soundly spanked like the aberrant love monkey I know myself to be. What should I do?
DEAR MONKEY: Run for a seat in the US Senate. Alas, you’ll find plenty of company there.

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Roz Warren
Roz Warren Roz is the author of Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library and Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and of course, the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.