[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Health-conscious presidential couple back Papa John’s decision
The CEO and founder of Papa John’s Pizza, John Schnatter, has recently come out against Obamacare, declaring that if the President’s plan to provide affordable health care to every person in America is not repealed, the price of his pizzas are going to go up.
For pizza lovers, this isn’t the best news. For a President and his wife who have spent a good part of the past four years trying to convince people that their diets are killing them, the news couldn’t be better.
Upon hearing about the plan to increase pizza prices at one of the nation’s top pizza joints, Obama had this to say: “Thank you, Papa John’s. You finally get it. Pizza is about one of the worst things an overweight person can put into their body, unless, of course, they are chowing down on some Buffalo chicken wings or cheese sticks. By making your food more expensive and thereby less accessible to the general population, you are going to save us millions in health care costs.”
What really makes this a win-win for Obama is the fact that once Papa John’s raises its prices, other large pizza chains are sure to follow, not necessarily because they agree with Schnatter’s reasons for raising his prices, but simply because that is how American capitalism works.
Along those lines, Obama took the opportunity to turn a negative response to his health initiative into a positive by egging on the CEOs of the entire fast food industry.
“I’m asking all you other fast food joints out there who might have a problem with my health care initiative to please raise your prices. Let’s get rid of the burgers, fried chicken, French fries and other unhealthy choices, because by doing so,” he said, “we could very well see obesity wiped out during my next term as President.”
Latest posts by P. Beckert (see all)
- ‘Inauguration Roast’ to Replace Standard Swearing-In Ceremony - January 18, 2017
- Trump Resigns Over Mandatory Reading Assignments from DOD - January 2, 2017
- How the Trump Stole America: A Poem - December 29, 2016
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!