[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Vergara wardrobe malfunction causes TV sets across nation to switch from football to Emmys
The Emmys got a huge ratings boost right in the middle of the program on Sunday, when Sofia Vergara‘s already revealing dress ripped to expose even more luscious skin.
The curvaceous star was already noteworthy, wearing a perhaps too-form fitting green Zuhair Murad dress that suddenly decided it could no longer restrict the bounties of Ms. Vergara’s nature, and burst open to reveal some of her long withheld assets.
Men across the country, long dismissive of the Emmys as “women’s stuff,” suddenly experienced an intense interest in the television arts and tuned in hurriedly to partake of the star of Modern Family’s “art.”
The Emmys rating poll shot up 300 percent at 8:35 PM Sunday, approximately 2 minutes after Ms. Vergara’s clothing malfunction, as the Tweets went out in droves and caused barroom TVs to rapidly switch from the football game to Sofia’s dire straits.
A large part of the uptick was believed to have been post-adolescent young men tuning in to learn something about the female anatomy that still mystified them, knowing that Vergara would be the most excellent example to learn from.
Sofia’s fiancé, Nick Loeb, virtuously covered her back (side) as she shimmied off to get her gown fixer upper to cover her ass for her, much to the dismay of the half of the men in the audience who were not gay. “Here I thought we were going to have some really worthwhile material on television for a change!” stated David Letterman, who was then told to sit down and shut up by his wife.
Revealed in the disruption was a hitherto unknown bit of body art that Sofia had in the form of a cupid aiming an arrow at her innermost recesses. The imagination can only vaguely conjure what delights are still hidden therein.
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