[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Romney: ‘Slow and slimy wins the race’
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, inspired by a recent New Scientist article on a Japanese snail that can shed its foot and grow a new one, said he is willing to shed “pretty much any part” of his platform anyone objects to.
“If a snail can shed part of its foot when it’s attacked by snakes, I can certainly let go of, say, my former stance on … lots of stuff when attacked,” Romney said. “And then I can grow a new foot, er, a new expensive Italian shoe, no, no, I mean platform to get more people to vote for me.”
“And we all know who the snakes in this race are – those apologizing, debt-raising Democrats.”
The candidate denied that he had already begun to adopt the Japanese snail strategy when he said he would keep President Obama’s two-year deferral policy for young immigrants if elected.
“That was not shedding a foot,” the GOP candidate declared. “That was like, I don’t know, a toenail maybe. Do snails have toenails? And why is it that only Japanese snails can shed their feet? We need that kind of technology in America!”
After singing “God Bless America” in his characteristic get-one-note-on-key-per-song voice, he said 47 percent of the population act “just like snakes” and that it is up to the snails of the world to make things better for rich people.
The New Scientist article also noted that when Satsuma caliginosa snail sheds part of its foot, it moves even more slowly.
“This is just part of Romney’s goal to get someone, anyone, to like him,” an Obama spokesman said. “But it’s not going to increase his snail’s pace in the polls.”
Romney denied that he was desperate.
“I could be kind of a snake, too, you know, if that’s what people are looking for,” he said.
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