[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Airports love any reason to confiscate stuff for ‘security’ — what’s next?
Airports, seeking to get more money out of passengers exiting through their gates on international flights, have come up with inventive new ways of sucking the money out of their pockets.
Most airports have already come up with the ingenious method of taking away all possible drinkable liquids under the assumption that Al Queda has developed a potent bomb made out of liquid that looks, smells and tasted like tap water, thus leaving the parched departee having to drink out of bathroom toilets and to lick his own sweat to avoid passing out (please note that long flights cause dehydration, a fact the dirty birds are well aware of). Passengers are then forced to buy from the rip-off shops inside the gate that jack the price up 200%, this alone insuring that the airports stock holders enjoy enough benefits to spend the winter in Bermuda.
The newest cruel development is that the security personnel insist that the passengers strip down to their underwear, confiscate their clothing and force them to buy new clothes at the toll free store inside the terminal. This has caused great consternation amongst the travelers, especially when the in-gate shops run out of one gender of clothing and men are forced to buy women’s clothing and women men’s.
Of course embarrassment is greatest amongst Jewish and Muslim travelers who must reveal more flesh than their religion allows. A reoccurring incident in Saudi Arabia is that it has been discovered that many Saudi women, normal covered head to toe, have secretly had tattoos put on their buttocks stating that they hope their husbands are raped in Hell when they die, causing much turmoil and violence at Middle Eastern terminals.
An amusing incident happened at LA Airport when Kim Kardashian, she of the uber-Frau contours, was forced to strip down to her basics and tied up the terminal for two hours as every non homosexual male in the place blocked up the area for a peek at what ultimate, true womanhood looks like.
A number of rebellious people, refusing to buy new clothing to replace the old, have unfortunately frozen to death shortly after leaving the airport at their stops in Alaska and Siberia.
The airports at Beijing, Moscow, Belorussia, Tehran, Pyong Peng and Jerusalem have begun confiscating laptop computers saying that they could be vehicles for terrorist use. The acquired computers have then been found to have been mined for their informational data, then sold on the black market.
Traveling computer users everywhere are in an uproar about this. However, those complaining have been mysteriously charged and imprisoned when their computers were ‘discovered’ and then ‘found’ to possess child pornography, recipes for bomb making and insulting pictures of Mohammed and Vladimir Putin on them which led to the persons immediate arrest or stoning.
This new fleecing of the tourist has had the side effect of increasing travel on buses and trains with a lot of international flyers taking lessons in how to hand glide to avoid the incredible financial losses now associated on flying with standard air carriers.
There are rumors afoot that there is a plot amongst major airlines to emit a sleep inducing gas which will allow flight attendants to go through passengers hand bags and wallets. My evidence of this scandalistic development disappeared however due to dehydration and frostbite experienced during a long flight during which I didn’t notice that my computer had been confiscated while I mysteriously fell asleep.
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